I came to this realization that in the past, with my Ex, I wasted so much energy trying to get him to understand my side of things. I would try and try to just get him to see why I felt so hurt, why I was so upset–and I felt like maybe if I found the right combination of words, the right approach, maybe something would finally click in his head and he’d do something different. It was a terrible waste of time. People who don’t seem to understand concepts of respect actually do. They simply don’t care to change what they’re doing. I vowed to never make this mistake again–wasting years trying to plea my case for why I shouldn’t be treated like I didn’t matter. I should never have to beg someone to understand my worth, and yet I’m doing it again. My dumb ego…

I considered letting something go that was a major violation to me–something that I’ve told my husband I’d never tolerate from him again. He has been known to call people behind my back to “defend” me because he feels I don’t stick up for myself. I’ve told him that he will be in a world of hurt if he ever does it again, so instead of respecting my ability to handle conflict in my preferred way, he deceives me into believing he will let a matter go, and then makes a phone call behind my back–presumably thinking I’d never find out. Well, I did. And when I called him out on it, I simply texted him saying “I went to pay my bill at the optometrist and learned something interesting about trust.” 

So, naturally, instead of owning up to the fact that he was caught in a lie, or caught having done something I EXPLICITELY asked him to stop doing to me, he plays the victim card. “Well, I guess I’ll never advocate for you again. Don’t bother complaining to me ever again. Go tell it to your sister or mom. Now you’ll get a lesson in what apathy looks like.”

We’ve been together for 16 years and there are no other combinations of words to explain to him that I DON’T WANT him to “advocate” for me without being asked. I don’t need to beat my chest and act like a Karen every time I hear something I don’t like. If I need to be stern with a service person, I do so if *I* deem it necessary. My self-esteem doesn’t depend on *showing strangers who’s boss*. I’m very restrained, matter of fact, and polite, and if I decide to stop using someone’s terrible service I simply ghost the motherfuckers and go about my life without looking back. And I’m satisfied with this, because I don’t feel like I *need* to prove my worth to some dummy behind a desk or phone. I let my wallet prove my point. I keep my dignity and spend my money somewhere else.

For me, restraint is strength. Someone who needs to *prove themselves* all the time is weak. I find strength in holding my chin up and placing myself above the need to bitch someone out to feel validated. I honestly think there’s something wrong with people who can’t let minute things go because everything makes them feel stepped all over. My husband gets offended when people go around him on the road because he’s driving too slow…and I think it’s FUCKING SICK to take something like that personally. He once kept making obnoxious gestures as three cars in a row went around his slow ass, and when I asked him to stop that nonsense, he goes “You’re saying I need to shut up and take that?” I said “Take WHAT? Nobody spat in your face. They have every right to go around you. What exactly do you *think* you’re taking???”

He never has an answer to questions like that. He just scoffs, like I said something stupid.

He says that phone call was about standing up for me, since I don’t stand up for myself. He says that for the “better part” of my life no one ever advocated for me and so I never learned to advocate for myself. What a load of shit. I had to learn to advocate for myself *when appropriate* because no one else ever would. The phone calls made and emails sent without my permission, are not about sticking up for me. They’re about him imposing his will on others. If he was so concerned about me sticking up for myself properly, he wouldn’t verbally knock me down every time I stand up to him–the only person with the actual power to TAKE power from me. The person who claims to be protecting the very thing he’s abusing.

One thing he did get right: before he came along really was the “better part” of my life. 

I’m not proud of the way I allowed myself to lose control last night after I finally reached my limit with him, but I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him I hated our marriage and I hated being here. I meant it, though. I still do. He apologized in the morning, and to keep the peace for our son’s sake, I echoed that I was sorry too. But I still want out. I’m not okay, but I’ll play my part and keep working toward my goals because my son comes first. He’s the only one here without power over his own fate and it’s my job to make things okay for him.

I want my husband to be the kind of man who can maturely part ways without getting ugly and making selfish parenting decisions because he’s mad at me…but if he *could* be that man, I wouldn’t want out of our marriage, would I? Life has a cruel way of fucking with people.