When I was a teenager, I was a cutter. I cut to distract myself from my emotional pain. I didn’t want to die, but if I did in the process…oh well. If I was rescued…wonderful. The last time I cut myself was when I was 26.
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After my daughter suicided, self injury has a new meaning. When I decide I’m going to “hurt” myself, I will be jumping from a great height. There will be no cry for help.
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The dilemma I am now faced with (besides with the question of when) is do I do it over land or water. Jumping over land is almost 100% certainty. But you could hurt someone on the ground below…and that would be very unfortunate. Also, it would be extremely traumatic to almost be struck by a falling body. Another negative possibility is your head is completely smashed and making yourself extremely unrecognizable by your loved one. Jumping over water, the risk of hurting someone below is low. But the chance of surviving is greater. There is also the possibility of not being found right away and then your loved ones are being tortured not knowing where you are and then having to ID you, partially decomposed. In the end, it really won’t matter.
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Grace is my purpose in life. If I leave now, Troy has the the emotional tools to deal with the loss and eventually move on. However, Grace only being 10, doesn’t have the tools. I believe that I would doom her future. First her sister, and then her mom. What would we be teaching her? When life seems hard, quit. I do know that I will die by jumping…I just don’t know when. I want to hang in there until Grace is an adult, but some days, that seems like an impossibility.