When I was a teenager, I was a cutter. I cut to distract myself from my emotional pain. I didn’t want to die, but if I did in the process…oh well. If I was rescued…wonderful. The last time I cut myself was when I was 26.
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After my daughter suicided, self injury has a new meaning. When I decide I’m going to “hurt” myself, I will be jumping from a great height. There will be no cry for help.
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The dilemma I am now faced with (besides with the question of when) is do I do it over land or water. Jumping over land is almost 100% certainty. But you could hurt someone on the ground below…and that would be very unfortunate. Also, it would be extremely traumatic to almost be struck by a falling body. Another negative possibility is your head is completely smashed and making yourself extremely unrecognizable by your loved one. Jumping over water, the risk of hurting someone below is low. But the chance of surviving is greater. There is also the possibility of not being found right away and then your loved ones are being tortured not knowing where you are and then having to ID you, partially decomposed. In the end, it really won’t matter.
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Grace is my purpose in life. If I leave now, Troy has the the emotional tools to deal with the loss and eventually move on. However, Grace only being 10, doesn’t have the tools. I believe that I would doom her future. First her sister, and then her mom. What would we be teaching her? When life seems hard, quit. I do know that I will die by jumping…I just don’t know when. I want to hang in there until Grace is an adult, but some days, that seems like an impossibility.

2 Comments
  1. brokenfairy_38 14 years ago

    I know about the same temptation and then curbing the temptation with the realization of what your children would go through if you tried and actually succeeded. …. Just recently, my doctor told me that when a parent committs suicide the children left behind are twice as likely to committ suicide as well. …. That has me stopped in my tracks for now. My oldest son likes to repress, that worries me for him.He has the strongest potential next to his sister who suffers from anxeity and bipolar, such as I do. …. Many times here lately I have had to listen to my baby girl talk about wanting to die, so, I now believe if I were to, then at some point she WOULD be right behind me. ….. I don’t want that for any of them,so, now I have an even better reason to keep fighting the temptation. I hope you can too! Just hang in there and if it gets to be too much Please let someone know so they can help you. It sounds as if to me that you have already made up your mind about this, it’s not a matter of if, but when! ….. You are worth so much more being here than not. …. Hope all goes well with you, hun!
    My best wishes and great big hugs!!

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  2. silentscreams 14 years ago

    Your desire to jump as a suicidal mode is an interesting one..why did you decide that form? it seems like jumping is an expression of letting go of everything at once and for those seconds of free-fall..just the wind in your hair, no voices, a sense of release..i dont think you need to physically jump off a building or plane but maybe your body and soul is telling you to do some letting go..yes it is important that your concern is with your family but you also need to find something in you to live..there are support groups out there if or when you are ready..although i had my son die while giving birth to him, i finally had to let go of the anger, sadness, fear, and self-blame..i came to terms that there will forever be a place in my heart that will never be filled because of his death and that that is ok…its been 23 years and not a day goes by that i dont think of him..i finally learned to “go with the flow” of my emotions instead of fighting them…but he, like your daughter will always be inside you..its awful what has happened to your family..give yourself a break and find a way to just “let go” without leaving..its not easy but you are worth it…

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