I really dont understand what goes on in my mind at times.  For as long as I can remember I have always been a little bigger than all my friends. These days I classed as clinically obese. I'm about 165cm and weigh 96kg!!

I watch the TV and look at pictures of all these girls that are skinny and pretty. I think I am quite good looking, I'm just overweight. Dont get me wrong.. size zero is far from my goal. I want to have curves and a booty!! Something a la Beyonce. She has a fantastic body!

This is something I have wanted for a long long time now. But when I get depressed I eat, and eating makes me more depressed. Its an evil circle really. I have a very addictive personality and food is a BIG problem for me.

I say to myself all the time "today is the day! I'm gonna start my diet, work out and start getting fit". Then as the day goes on I just cant resist that piece of cake or biscuit. Then there is the problem that I can never stick to just the one chocolate bar (this is where my addiction comes in). 

Another thing is, my boyfriend is really fit. He is a runner and a health freak. He doesnt mind the way I look, but he often tries to get me on a health regime and to get me to come runnning with him. He is really trying to help me, but the more he tries to help me the more unattractive I feel and the more insecure I feel with him.

If I had the body I so desperately want I'd feel better in myself. It would take away a lot of my problems I think. I'd feel a lot more secure in myself.  I think about it so much these days as I have put on weight with being unemployed. I find myself "boredom eating" a lot.

So how do I stop this? How do I get the motivation and drive to get my long lost Beyonce body that I so desperately want?