I feel so lost…  had to listen to a guy at outpatient talk about how his dead fiance spoke to him through John Edwards (the fake TV psychic).  He was so adamant that it was for real.  "The guy just knew things he couldn’t have known," he says.  Man, people have been working those scams for years.  This guy’s just a little smoother than most.  I didn’t want to rain on the poor guy’s parade, but man…  how do people buy into these con jobs?  It’s so nuts.

I guess, desperation leads to all kinds of madness.  I wanted to kill myself, and instead, I just snuffed out a good part of my twenties with a hard ass drug.

"How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth to meaningless
And sharpen them with lies"

I’m so messed up.

I’m a burden and a maudlin, little brat.  I throw emotional sh*t fits, because my reactions to things are so extreme, and I wind up making people hate me as much as I hate myself (if that’s even possible).

I really hope I haven’t pushed too hard, this time.  I never know how out of hand my sh*t is, until after I’ve lost it on someone.  This is why I try to f@cking suppress sh*t.

Why wouldn’t people hate me?

"And whatever is going down
Will you follow around
That’s how you fight loneliness"

I guess, not many people (people I know, anyway), actually hate me.  (Maybe, a few nutty exes with axes to grind, but that’s really all that springs to mind).  I guess, it’s not hate I’m afraid of, exactly.  Just being too much for someone to deal with…  and that seems very possible, to me.  I’m afraid of being the dead weight that has to be cut loose.  The one that people have to leave behind, and forget about, so they can get on with their lives (while my life stays the same, and I just get older, and uglier, and less salvageable – and that assumes I’m still salvageable, now, and that I’m not just kidding myself with this whole effort.

"You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke"

I remember Jon (one of the hateful exes) telling me, when we were together, that it was okay to dump on him about Minuet (it was the first anniversary of her death).  I’d also lost a husband that year (yeah, I know, I was crazy young, but I was a widow, at that time), when he was shot in the back, by a friend (a friend of his, who was also a friend of mine).  I told Jon he didn’t want me to open those floodgates.  It would be too much.  He said, he could take it.  I believed him.  I let myself break down in front of him – cried on his shoulder, talked about how I ached inside…  and, after a week or so…  he dumped me.  He’d get horny, come back, and then, dump me again.  This happened more than I care to admit.  We kept breaking, and mending – always him leaving, me bawling, and then me taking him back, when he’d come crawling back (usually for sex).  I normally don’t crave abuse (outside of the sack), but I was a broken person, and he had choked out what was left of my self-esteem.

This is the guy who told me, as I tried to leave, that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  (I know, I know, you’ve heard this story, before.)  And, when I said the best thing wouldn’t put bruises all over my arms, he said I bruise easily – I should get more iron in my diet.  He actually said that.  The piece of shit…  (By the way, this was one of the guys who could never handle getting playfully rough with me, in bed – I guess, he only like it in the real world.)

"And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you’ll ever need
That’s how you fight it"

I feel like a piece of shit, right now.  I took a header, emotionally, last night.  And…  I said soe thing I shouldn’t have to some who means the worls to me, and now…  I’m just terrified.  I think I seriously hurt someone I love.  Someone who’s friendship as meant everything to me…

I swear, I coud wreck my life in my sleep, it comes so naturally to me.

I feel alone, and disgusting.  Despite the resolution to eat healthy, I bought some pastries, this a.m.  It was that kind of morning.  If I can’t have heroin, I should get sugar and caffeine – if I can’t have any illicit downers, I at least need my legal stimulants.  The cigarettes are something I want to quit within the year.  I have wanted to quit for a long time, bit, obviously, H is the primary concern.

But, if I did go back, I’m pretty sure I would just OD.  Then, I wouldn’t have to feel deal with any of the aftermath of failing.  I wouldn’t hae to face what that meant.

"Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time" (Wilco "How To Fight Loneliness")

Just, breathe…

(And, to the one I hurt…  if you’re reading this…  I’m sorry for talking to you that way.  I’m not myself, right now, and my responses to upsetting situations are like chemical reactions that I can’t predict.  You know how I feel about you.  I couldn’t be getting any of this done, without you, and I need you in my life.  Please get in touch when you can.)


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