In the infamous words of someone else, life sucks! I joined this site in hopes of venting my anxiety, frustration and depression that has ruled my life for the last year and a half. I was diagnosed with depression last November, although in retrospect, I have been suffering from it all of my life. Back in the day I was a innocent, happy-go-lucky kid with nothing much to worry about but just hanging out with friends. Now that I graduated from college and work fulltime, my life has slowed to a grinding halt…and so has time. I don’t think I was effected very much by depression in my younger years because I was so busy. With school, work, and sports I don’t think I had the time to relish in it. But again, now that things have slowed down I find it harder and harder to fight off.
I saw a psychologist for a while last year but don’t think it helped. He had me read a book about modifed thinking or something to that affect. The book had some good points, but in reality, it didn’t help me much. I have yet to go back to see him, but have a feeling I will be making an appointment soon. It’s weird, I don’t feel that I can talk to him about things as freely as I had hoped. There is so much made of people spilling their guts to a shrink in the media, but my experience was very different from that. One of the things I never told the therapist was I have contemplated suicide. However, most of those thoughts were just that…thoughts. I probably wouldn’t do that because I’m a chickshit! Honestly, I never told him about that probably because I was too affraid to hash it out, so to speak.
I started taking medication a year ago for the depression with mixed results. Some days I’m fine and some days, like today, I am in a never ending cycle of self-defeat and worthlessness. My depression births itself from my low self esteem. You would think a well-educated, hard-working indiviual such as myself wouldn’t have any problems with self-esteem, but that’s my biggest problem. I think I’m a horrible person. Not because I’m a horrible person, but because I think I am. I think I’m horrible because I am dependent on drugs and alcohol to ease my angst. I am a horrible person because I have no motivation and no drive. I am a horrible person because, well…that how I view myself.
My wife doesn’t know these things. She knows I went to therapy and that I take meds, and have bad days and all, but she doesn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t understand my feelings. Things come so simple to her. Life is simple to her, but to me my mind is a constant battle field. There is no medication for the thoughts I have. There is no drug that can make me change, that’s just the way I am, and it sucks, which is why I use drugs and drink too much. I do these things so I can seperate myself from reality. Bide time, if you will, at least until my situation changes. As I mentioned in my profile I am going back to school to be a teacher. It’s probably something that i should’ve done a long time ago. I was stubborn and wanted to make money, so I got a business degree and took this job instead. I hate it. I fucking hate every part of this job. I’m not motivated by money and I’m not motivated by praise and I’m not self-motivated. I am not a salesman. I don’t care if you buy what I’m selling or not. What you do is, what you do and that’s just fine with me. I am not going to waste my time trying to convince you to do something that you don’t want to, it’s not my nature.
So here I am, I have this job that I can’t stand and I’m in the middle of finishing my second degree and somewhere in the midst of those two is a black hole, limbo, or whatever you want to call it. That’s me and that’s where I am. Stuck, wtf?