so as you all know i finally met my father. at first i was totally stoked. ecstatic beyond all comprehension. and i felt close to him.

well in the span of a week all that has changed and im to the point where i wish i could just rewind to a few weeks ago and never contact him.

you see, he loves me. but its too much for me to handle. he loves me to the point where i feel completely smothered. he wants to spend every waking second with me. i havent had time to myself in two weeks and i am the type of person who gets really fucking mean if i have no space. i should have listened to everyone who told me to set boundaries in the beginning. i didnt and now i really regret it.

he's told me that im not ALLOWED to drink, smoke pot, have boyfriends etc.

and im like EXCUSE ME who the FUCK are you? i just met you. yes you may have helped bring me onto this earth but last time i checked ive been an adult and calling my own shots for the last six years, and i dont need you to be a disciplinary figure. like, im sorry he missed all those years where i needed a disciplinary figure, but those years are gone and it is what it is. he cant just waltz into someones life who is an adult and treat them like theyre 16. i know he wishes he didnt miss those years where i needed someone to protect me but those years are gone and he is just going to have to live with it.

but he does things like, he got me health insurance, he bought me a brand new computer, gives me money all of the time. and while i do appreciate all of this i almost feel like its a means for him to keep a stranglehold on me and my life.

i really like having all this new stuff but not if it comes at the price of not being able to be an adult. im pretty headstrong and not easily controlled. so when someone i barely know just waltzes into my life and tries to change everything i really really get irked.

i do want to develop a relationship with him, i do. but the keyword there is develop.

he tells me he loves me 50 times a day, and im not a very affectionate person as it is, so this shit really really freaks me out. last night he texted me four times within 15 minutes to tell me how glad he is in my life. and while someone who is more sentimental may have felt all warm and fuzzy inside, it pissed me off and i ignored them and didnt respond. i dont even know if i love this man. its going to take a while for me to develop real affections for him.

so my question to you guys is, how do i find a sensitive way to tell him all of this, and to make him back off a little? im pretty straightforward most of the time but i feel this is a rather delicate situation that should be handled accordingly. i mean this man wanted to find me for 22 years. but now that he has he's fucking it up left and right. so what would be a nice sensitive way to say "HEY BACK OFF DUDE, YOURE SMOTHERING ME, IM AN ADULT, I'LL MAKE MY OWN GODDAMN DECISIONS, BUT I STILL WANT YOU IN MY LIFE."?

2 Comments
  1. Tara 14 years ago

    I totally understand, my dad did that once after 14 years of not being my father and just being there one day randomly drops by my house and tells me to not have boyfriends and to not have sex and if I do and if I get pregnant he will kill the boyfriend, was rather odd. And if he came into my life now and starts barking rules at me and this and that (he wouldnt smother he's too much of an ass hole lol) But also smothering, I hate it aswell, like you have never really been an effectionate person, I cant even stand clingy partners lol

    My advise would be to say something like this.

    "(whatever you call him) I am having a slightly hard time adjusting to all of this, its all still very new to me,now I know you love me and wish the best for me. But i think you are doing a little too much than you need to be doing. While I appreciate everything you have done so far and thank you emensly, you dont need to be doing it, Just being there for me is enough."

     

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  2. afwifek 14 years ago

    Well if you have child hood pics of yourself from all the years he missed maybe you could put them on cd as slideshow to some music if you are able. Wrap it up for him and give it to him with a card. In the card you could put that you are so happy to have him in your life but that you have been through alot and are not used to so much affection and attention and that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Also tell him that it is going to take time for you to warm up to him. If he loves you he won't take offense. You could mail  the stuff to him and I am sure he will call you to talk about it and just let him know what you need from him. What you want him to do. Hope that helps.

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