Alright…So last night (after funeral) went really bad. For two reasons:

One- Ulcers/acid reflex. It\'s been bugging my constantly lately…But last night was a really bad attack. I took two Nexium (the medicine for that) and it didn\'t do anything, so I took to tums, and nothing.

I know…That the attack was probably a result from purging so much last night after eating at the funeral, But like I said I just couldn\'t resist the urge and in the end that happened.

I worried that my ulcers might start bleeding again though, I rather not to see the GI again, because my mom will just get annoyed that she has to take me to ANOTHER appointment, I know it.

Anyway, So it was very hard to focus on anything else, And I didn\'t tell anyone about the flare so I just went on w/the pain until it stopped, and by the time it did I was so exhausted, I just like passed out I was so tired from it, It might sound stupid but when you have chronic pain it does drain you…I hope that makes sense.

Now, reason 2- It\'s about chatrooms, here or on anywhere else. I feel that I\'m even scared to go into the chatrooms and talk, I don\'t know how people will react so whenever I do enter them I stay quiet until someone starts to talk to me.

Even at those times I sometimes don\'t reply, Or I don\'t know what to reply. Or if I talk I get lost in the conversation when they move on and just…fall out of it and again end up just reading it, and feeling like an idiot for not even being able to handle virtual talking, y\'know what I mean?

Also…On another note, Today is the first day for my spring break (I\'m in high school by the way) so we have today, and all of next week off with no school- Thank god..I couldn\'t handle anymore school and breakdowns at the moment.

But, that means i\'m also stuck with my family and they like to go places, and drag me along…You know I hate being in crowded places with people I don\'t know, trying to figure out what they are thinking when they look at me and all that shit…

So, Not sure what\'s gonna happen this spring break…But hopefully they take a hint and leave me home or something…So I can watch Harry Potter or Michael Myers videos and try to actually keep calm for once, y\'know?

One more thing… (Sorry I keep switching topics so much in this entry, there\'s just alot on my mind) For those of you that read my other entry\'s, You know about the cousin now right? alright well…

This weekend were driving up to Georgia (that\'s were my grandparents live) for their 80th anniversary celebration, and so everyone is gonna be there. I\'m already in panic mode, Because i\'m NEVER comfortable around family events, I feel like i\'m going to have a heart attack and so I\'m always the awkward one sitting away from everyone else and not talking, even if someone asks me a question, I just mumble out an answer.

and the second reason for panic mode, Is my cousin will be there, I just KNOW he will…and I\'m not sure what to do…you see during the time he did that stuff to me, he\'d apologize but end up doing it again…So I can\'t tell what the hell he\'s actually thinking…

But…While I\'m there i\'m not sure how he\'ll act around me, or If I can even be near him without having a full blown panic attack…Should…Should I maybe try to talk to him? what do you guys think?

Even if I should though…I doubt I have enough courage to do so, I\'m such a coward when it comes to confronting anyone, about anything whether it be something in school, or when it comes to the cousin, anything I just put me head down and do nothing. I have no self-esteem what\'s-so-ever.

A/N- Also…If you ever listen to the song \'Saviour\' by Black Veil Brides, it\'s a close song to my heart (I\'m a music junkie, So I listen to alot of bands) but, This is one song that i\'ve cried and fell asleep to..Just thought I\'d say how much it meant to me..

  1. Mo 11 years ago

    I gave my father a swift kick in the balls- seriously. Then i confronted him later on in life in an appropriate manner according to my therapist- very important to have one of those especially if you have low self esteem….even the school guidance counselor can help. Do what feels safe for you. You seem vulnerable right now.
    I wish you the best.

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  2. aefisher9009 11 years ago

    The most important thing is to be safe. It takes a lot of courage to talk to someone like that. (I have yet to confront my abuser.) If you talk to him, you\'ll probably feel a sense of relief. Its good to get your feelings out, but don\'t put yourself in a vulnerable position.
    I see that your in a bad spot with your family and although your mom might be irritated when you ask her to take you to appointments, please do not jeopardize your health.

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