The last few days have been strangesince I last blogged . Not necessarily bad , but definitely odd .

Aaron and I hada short talk about what has been with him lately . It turns out that it all has to do with his work situation . As I've said before he works the midnight shift , and although it's a good career , seniority is everything . He hates working nights because he can't get good solid sleep during the days . . . if he did he wouldn't get to see our son or me for more than a few brief minutes everyday during the week. So he chops up his sleep schedule into blocks of 3-4 hours at a time , which means you never get any real rest . You're body is supposed to have a minimum of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day or else it negatively affects your health , your moods , your memory and your ability to function well every day .

Anyhow , it looked like there was a positionopening this late fall for a daytime operator and that he had a really good chance of getting it . It would mean some normalization in our lives , in his sleep , in him feeling decent . It turns out that someone else who has seniority over him is looking to take the position for petty reasons , just because he can . This person already has a good daytime position at the other plant , but wants to rub Aaron the wrong way and "put him in his place" , so to speak . So Aaron is really angry about all of it , and feeling overwhelmed and desparate because he doesn't know now how much longer he'll have to wait for another daytime spot to open up . It could easily be years . 🙁

I feel really helpless in being able to do anything for him to alleviate his stress and constant exhaustion . And it probably doesn't help the situation any that Isometimes get really annoyed and upset by his lack of presence on the weekends with Zachary and I because we both strongly feel his absence when we're doing things that we should be doing as a family .

Tuesday was a little bit rough . After doing 2 hours of running around in the car with my son we all had to go to the pediatrician's office for a visit regarding whether or not Zachary has ADHD . Everything seemed to be going well with it until his doctor asked if anyone in the family had a history of bipolar disorder . I shook my head yes and pointed at myself , somewhat startled and frightened by the need for that question to be asked . My stomach rolled at the thought that he might think that Zachary had bipolar disorder too .

And that's exactly what he thought . That Zachary has ADHD AND possibly bipolar disorder . I could have thrown up right there . One of my biggest fears has always been that my son would be afflicted by this awful illness too one day . The guilt at just the possibility of that happening used to send me into despair and crying fits , and now his doctor is telling me that he needs to be evaluated by a psychologist to find out more of what is happening here . So , Zachary has his first therapy appointment next Tuesday . Testing will be a separate thing altogether , done by another psychologist that doesn't work with him as his therapist .

I bet you can guess how much of awreck I was that night . I managed not to cry in front of Zachary , but after we put him to bed I started to fall apart . My husband askedme to come lie down with him for a bit , and I did . He wrapped his arms around mine and held meas I started to cry , but it was weird because all of a sudden Ifelt this otherworldly sense of peace surround and permeate me . I had been praying for peace from what I was feeling , and suddenly the fear , the guilt ,the anger and resentment wereall gone .Just a feeling of being safe and loved andwarm inside . Inthat cocoon of peace I fell into adeep dreamless sleep . I barely awoke whenAaron got up to go to work , just mumbled something like" I love you " at himas he kissed me goodbye .

It had to be one of the most incredible things I've ever experienced in my life . I know different people call that different things ;but for me I believed that God saw my suffering and heard my pleas for help and gave me the help I needed . I'm not your average christian ,if I can even be called that , since I have my own ways that I follow that come from my heart . I don't follow a specific set of belief systems; aka Catholic , Episcopalian , Methodist or any of those others . I'm not criticizing them or anyone who is ~ I just believe that weeach have our own journey to spirituality and God (or Gaia or Mother Earth or Allah or Freedom from the circle of Karma, etc …) .

But whatever happened to me , it opened my eyes to the reality that there are things greater than us that mean us well and maybe even protect us and watch over us . That the world of the unseen around usis in general a benevolent one , and that I derive joy from that understanding .

On to a completely different subject ~ I think I've figured out whyI'm so tired all of the time; I think my Klonopin dosage is too high for my current situation . I was put on a higher dosage while working at the music store because of theheavy stress I wasunder , and now that I'm in a much more low-key ,laidback situation I don't need that dosagelevel any longer . I'm going to call the doc and ask him for a lower prescription dosage today .

Well I've got calls to make and lots of animals to take care of so I guess I should get toit .

I wish you a day filled with beauty for your senses , laughter, joy and a sense of wonder that wasn't there yesterday. Love you all and hugs to all of you . You make my life a much better place and I'm so grateful for it . 🙂

~ Key