Not 5 minutes do I get of feeling good, at least not when I'm sober. I only feel happy when I drink and when I'm not drinking I'm either anxious, pretending to be happy or at least ok or I am very very sad and depressed. I can't stand it. Today Mom was complaining about more aches and pains. She is always in pain. I told her that I understand because I am always in pain too, mental pain. I never get 5 minute's peace.

I am thinking of K, why can't I see him more? I am terrified of the day he stops texting me entirely. What will I possibly do when I can't even be his friend? He's been my friend since May of this year. Before that he all but completely forgot that I even exist…

I read some blogs on here of people in their own personal hell. Each hell is different, but it's still hell. We are still on the edge trying to make it through each day. I dont' know what we did that made this happen, it doesn't seem like anyone on here deserves to be living in hell any more than I do. It's just not fair, but I can act like a baby and say that, it's just the way it is. Why didnt' I have ONE bad thing happen why does everything have to be miserable? And of course the big thing is never finding the love of my life, or making K the love of my life which is bullshit, no more than just loving a movie star, because that's really all it is. I'm his fan girl, nothing more in the end. I was shocked he even slept with me again.

I feel restless. I wish it were the weekend, eventhough I hate the weekends, the lonliness the boring pain I go through, the reason I want it to be the weekend is so I can have an excuse to drink.

I went shopping today and bought more rum. I tried not to buy a lot of snacks. I have to have SOME food. No matter what though, I always end up pigging out. I would do anything to get rid of my appetite. How can it be that one year ago I was only a size 4??? Now I'm an 8… I don't understand, I still blame the fucken medication for this. I know it's the fault of Abilify.

The Abilify at 4 mg makes me dizzy. We said this. I guessI am just repeating myself. I think it's helping me get out of bed though. Before I could barely go to the market to get food. At least now I can get my fat ass out and get food and drinks.

Tomorrow I have my therapist and I hate it not because I see her, but because I have to ride in the car. I still have my terrible phobia of riding in the car. And I hate when they come to clean, it's such a pain wondering when they will show up and they don't even clean my room, but I still hate it.

I just want to hear from K, for him to say hi and he's bored and just wants to talk. I want to be his best friend. That's just not realisitc. Nothing I want is.


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