I have dated my S.O., who has anxiety for the last 7 years. Our relationship together is a constant roller coaster. This last year has been especially trying and seems to be snowballing out of control. About 9 months ago, I completed my degree, got a job, and we moved cross country. He picked up his career, which was just beginning to form, and moved with me, despite him thinking that I was doing the wrong thing with taking this job. After the move, money got tight fast. We are drowning in the negative, with no current promise of a better future. He is still trying to find his place here, but the type of opportunities he was hoping for are difficult to get in this location. He has always been unsure of his true career path, and is now not sure how to move forward.
He has been getting some stomach and skin issues, and has gone to the doctor, but is skeptical in their diagnosis, and is now sinking into a deep depression. He feels like he is dyeing and his life is falling apart, with us fighting, struggling to restart/find new career, having no money and health problems, I understand the stress. Anxiety attacks and depression have been constant occurrences and I never seem to say the right thing or help. I feel attacked myself, as I am called a *****, etc in these fits, for defending myself, as well as told that should have done something differently or listened better. I try to listen, but seemingly misinterpret cues, as I am not good with communication myself. I have hardly formed relationships with friends my entire life, as this is a struggle of mine. I know that during these attacks, I cannot trust what is coming out of his mouth, and I do believe that these are just words, but I find myself defending my actions in the moment. I try to get him to realize what he is doing and not hurt me so much, but it makes the anxiety worse. He ALWAYS regrets later, which furthers his depression and anxiety.
I feel myself slipping into a depression myself. I have not eaten today because of everything. Sometimes when I try to do things to take care of myself after rough times, I am told that I am not thinking of him. I feel constantly frozen, not knowing what to do or say, am told to just take action to try and make things feel better, but my actions never are right (I don’t know if this is me not listening enough, or him being too hard on me). I feel so stuck and I hate myself that I always seem to make things worse. He deserves to be happy and not live with this anxiety, and I want to help him do that but feel like I can’t.
I don’t fully know why I’m writing or sharing this. I don’t know what I expect people to say. We can’t afford therapists, and S.O. is against the idea. He gets anxiety just going to the doctor, or even making an appointment to go to the doctor. He tried anxiety medication for the first time recently, even though he has been terrified of it his whole life. I am so proud of him for trying. It, however, gave him severe stomach issues for the next day and he now never wants to try it again. I’m at a loss, and we are both miserable. I want sunshine and rainbows… I used to live my world oblivious to anger, as I grew up with a mother who never talked about emotions (still doesn’t), is in denial, and always puts on a happy face no matter how she feels. I don’t want to feel so depressed, and I don’t want my S.O. to either…. I want us to become better people together, but feel like things are only getting worse. We need help.