Second blog of the day. I notice my blogs are much more upsetting than most people's. I am sorry for that. But we are on a Depressed Web Site. So I don't want to hold shit back here.

Is it possible for anyone to hate themselves more than I hate myself? I know I'm a good hearted and kind person, but a lot of good it does me. I am insane. And not in a good way. I'm a nut case, pure and simple. And I'm not about to fuck around with 100 medications to try to find the right one. I won't do it.

I gotta convince some NP tomorrow to refill my meds. Same meds I been on for 20 years. And I betcha think they don't help huh? Funny enough, they do. See, if I weren't on these here meds, I'd be crying. ALL THE TIME. I know because I went off of them last summer thinking they weren't doing shit to help me. Well turns out I was wrong. They do help. They are SSRIs. My brain don't make seritonin. At all. So without the SSRIs, I am a tearful, crying wreck 100 percent depressed 100 percent of the time.

WITH the meds, I am like this. Manic and depressed at the same time. NUT CASE but with a cause. I can actually laugh at funny things, talk to people in a somewhat articulate manner, get out of bed, dress myself and wash my nasty body when I take my meds. In short,I can semi-function. And when I get to the point of my anxiety ready to make me go off the deep end, I just have a drink. Or ten.

So the NP better not give me shit about not taking Remeron. Doesn't sound good. And I like being thin. I am taking my Flouxotine Hydrochloride and that's it. Nothing else. No more, no less and may God take it into his own selfish hands.