Feeling better 🙂 At least a little.
The other night, I even had the guts to go onto a Suicidal Chat, just to talk.
And it helped. Just the symbolism of that action shows that, though the process will not be quick and easy, I have the courage to and can get help later in life, specifically, hopefully at the campus next fall.
Having depression problems is something I'm ashamed of.
But it's not really something I can ignore and avoid.
If you imagine my depressive episodes as a series of hills on a chart, parabolas perhaps, this one is on the upward rebound. Slow, with a little slope, but it's not longer at the bottom, it's no longer in a dangerous place. I know I'll eventually curve back down there, but.
I think I need to get away from my parents. All they do nowadays is get angry at me, mutter stuff under their breath, put me down. At first, yeah, it is my fault.. I am pretty selfish and ignorant of how they feel.
But now I know they're starting to get out of hand. They're overreacting to every little thing, giving me hell for everything there is. I just had surgery. I can't cook, I can't carry anything besides one piece of cloth or silverware because of my crutches, they know that. Just getting pants on can be a 10 minute chore.
They're really just getting so sick of me, they won't look at me with any ounce of kindness. I've been biting my tongue, saying thank you, being a lot more appreciative especially recently, and they still act like it's the end of the world.
Dealing with them has been a key factor in the downfall of my psyche.
Their words, their actions, usually I accept it as true, but I can't now. I'm in recovery. If I allow myself to believe I'm as worthless and cruel as they say, that's a damn good reason to off myself. I'm just starting to improve, I can't have that. I can't.
But if I can't be the bad guy, the scapegoat, that makes them the bad guys. So what now?