I cannot express enough how very much I hate this time of the year! I once thought that maybe I just hated valentine's day because I was single but that is so not the case. The sky is gray, trees are gray, the ground is gray, my mood is gray… With the exception of a colorful flower, which reminds me that life is still possible, It is nothing but dreariness in my world.
I wish I would just catch the flu or something. Then it would make sensewhy I spend my time paralizyedon my couch or go to bed at 9pm. Why I am so exhausted, alone and unmotivated. But I'm not sick in the body, it's my mind and soul that are so deeply ill.I am pale, tired and worn. No confidence, no desires. It makes having the flu sound glamourous.
There is a seaon for everything, this I do know. I know it well. Winter is the time when living things rest before they bloom again in the spring. I am tired of "resting"! I have been through this my entire life and I am TIRED of this feeling! I moved to Florida to get away from the Northern gloom and it has followed me here! I fear that it will never leave me. That demon that waits for me every winter…
I hate you February, I hate you gray, I hate you depression. You play games with my mind and I hate you!!!
I guess February is my breaking point. It's been three months since my depressive episode began, it has finally gotten the best of me! I am broken.I long for friendship and yet I still turn down invites, fearing that others will see the craziness in my eyes, the desperation that plagues me. My oddness.
Then, like clockwork,everything changes. I wake up and get out of bed, I slowly begin to feel again. I am inspired and excited and powerful and smart. I am likeable and outgoing, I am loved. I am no longer gray. I am grateful that Februarywas such a short month.