I felt like blogging, but don't even really know what I want to write about. Lately I have been feeling that elusive emotion, happy. Quite a lot of it. But I have also been feeling stressed, frustrated, easily angered, and plain exhausted. Because of this, I often have felt as though I am neglecting my son and husband. They are fine, don't get me wrong. I just notice myself "needing' to get certain things done and not focusing on them as I should. For instance, letting my son watch too much TV, checking texts or emails instead of just spending the moment with my little guy. It happens I know, I just know I have been a little "absent" from my life lately.

As well, I have been recently barraged by a new obsession, or fear as it is. Most of my obsessions are really fear of something. In this case, I fear I want people to be hurt or gain some joy from it. I don't. My goodness, I want people happy, well, safe. But, recently, when the congresswoman was shot in Arizona, I reacted oddly. At first, when I heard a congresswoman had been shot, I thought for some reason they were talking about Sharron Angle, a woman who ran for senate in Nevada recently. She was somebody who spoke out in an awful way about the Muslim community in Dearborn, MI and I had major issues with her for that. And I joked back to whoever was in the room that I wasn't surprised. But then I realized it was not the same person and that Congresswoman Giffords had actually seriously been shot in the head. And OMG, my brain sizzled in the anticipation of the OCD bully trudging forward as fast as he could to slam on my brain with a mallet.

Why did I joke that I wasn't surprised? How awful of me!!! No matter who the person is, they don't deserve to be shot, especially not in the head. And did I think it was okay to shoot Ms. Angle and not Giffords? What kind of person am I? Did I think Ms. Angle should be shot!?! Let me just say, I don't think anyone should have been shot. I don't!!! But this damn…Arrgh!!!

And then, all my old OCD fears creep up on me from behind. They see the one fear getting to me and they take that chance to hit me with a double, triple, etc. whammy. Oh, it's a lot of fun in my brain these days. And on top of that, because a lot of my intrusive thoughts of the inappropriate sexual version, I have a severe fear of being turned on by anything inappropriate…I even fear being turned on by appropriate things…because, maybe, just maybe, it's inappropriate somewhere. And thus, my whole body is tense and I can feel every sensation in my body, because I unconsciously keep track of every sensation, every nerve impulse, every nerve misfire, every brush of clothing against my skin, everything…Because of my fear of all that damn inappropriateness!!! So tired of that…

Okay…I know that was an absolute ramble…and if you read this, I am sorry for that…I just needed to get stuff off my chest…

  1. hekla2002 12 years ago

    Thank you for your comments, Unknowable. You are so right, I am severely self-conscious of my thoughts and feelings. As the good ol' OCD perfectionist, I want to only think properly and only feel properly, and anything out of line with that sends me to Anxiety Town. My therapist tells me all the time that thoughts don't hurt folks. And I know that. I do. But, yet, I fear that if I think it or ponder it or whatever…where is it coming from. I try to remind myself that everyone thinks all kinds of things. It doesn't make them bad or good. Thoughts TRULY don't make us bad or good, It's how we live life and how we learn from our mistakes and how we treat others that determines that. Okay…back to rambling again…LOL

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  2. bluerosie 12 years ago


    I can relate in so many ways….

    I've thought before I might have to be celebate because I'm obviously a pervert because of my intrusive images. 

    And the guilt thing…yeah.  I get feeling so guilty about things that other people would have let go a long time ago. 

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