So I took the advice of some fellow OCDtribe members and got myself a copy of "Brain Lock". I 'm hoping against all odds that it gives me some insight into how to control these obsessive thought that I have. For me the unwanted thoughts that I have on a daily basis are the hardest for me to overcome and deal with. I can handle the need to clean my house, I'm getting better about not doing that a hundred times a day. And I can also handle the need to count to 20 before I start a new task during the day, but I have such a difficult time trying to separate what is an OCD thought and whats just from plain old me. Since I've become a mother my intrusive thoughts almost always involve my children. My psychiatrist says this is "normal" as you take what is most important in your life usually and obsess about it. However, it doesn't feel very normal to be too afraid to even want to let your children out of your sight for a minute because your desperately afraid of what might happen to them, and it doesn't feel normal to be afraid to pick up a knife in fearyou might accidently use that to same knife to hurt your children, and it certainly doesn't feel normal to want to avoid putting your children to bed at night becuase thoughts come to your head about molesting them or someone else molesting them. I feel like a monster at times, I know this is not me and I would never do anything to hurt my kids or anyone lese for that mattter. I am a very gentle caring person, I've deciated my life to helping others as a nurse and love that role,which is why the thoughts are so disturbing. They conflict so much with everything I stand for….everything I am. It just gets so damn frustrating that I have to mentally push myself to be able to do something as simple ascut up a bagel for my kids breakfast in the morning or tuck them into bed at night. I always wonder…what if I really am a monster and I just haven't done anything yet? Now I know deep down these thoughts are the OCD and not the real me, I'm working everyday at overcomming them and I know with work and determination I will be able to do so. I have to , my kids and family deserve better.