So I took the advice of some fellow OCDtribe members and got myself a copy of "Brain Lock". I 'm hoping against all odds that it gives me some insight into how to control these obsessive thought that I have. For me the unwanted thoughts that I have on a daily basis are the hardest for me to overcome and deal with. I can handle the need to clean my house, I'm getting better about not doing that a hundred times a day. And I can also handle the need to count to 20 before I start a new task during the day, but I have such a difficult time trying to separate what is an OCD thought and whats just from plain old me. Since I've become a mother my intrusive thoughts almost always involve my children. My psychiatrist says this is "normal" as you take what is most important in your life usually and obsess about it. However, it doesn't feel very normal to be too afraid to even want to let your children out of your sight for a minute because your desperately afraid of what might happen to them, and it doesn't feel normal to be afraid to pick up a knife in fearyou might accidently use that to same knife to hurt your children, and it certainly doesn't feel normal to want to avoid putting your children to bed at night becuase thoughts come to your head about molesting them or someone else molesting them. I feel like a monster at times, I know this is not me and I would never do anything to hurt my kids or anyone lese for that mattter. I am a very gentle caring person, I've deciated my life to helping others as a nurse and love that role,which is why the thoughts are so disturbing. They conflict so much with everything I stand for….everything I am. It just gets so damn frustrating that I have to mentally push myself to be able to do something as simple ascut up a bagel for my kids breakfast in the morning or tuck them into bed at night. I always wonder…what if I really am a monster and I just haven't done anything yet? Now I know deep down these thoughts are the OCD and not the real me, I'm working everyday at overcomming them and I know with work and determination I will be able to do so. I have to , my kids and family deserve better.
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I share some of the same fears and thoughts as you do. It's really frightening what our minds can do to us. I hope it brings you a small amount of comfort to know that there is someone out there that has the same fears as you and that you aren't a monster. I too was second guessing myself the a few nights ago and after reading your blog, it has helped me. Please try and remember that you are not a monster and that you can overcome this.
Brain Lock is a great book. I am sure it will help. Good luck! 🙂 I have intrusive thoughts too. 🙁 I am doing much better now. When a weird thought pops into my head I don't try to bury it or get rid of it. I just let it exist until it runs it course. One of the worst things you can do is try to suppress or get rid of the thought. That just makes it stronger. And don't worry, thoughts and actions are two different things. If you enjoyed the thoughts that would be a different story. But you obviously do not since they cause you so much anxiety. You will get better. You deserve yo live life to it's fullest. Don't let fear keep you from enjoying your family. 🙂
I understand and relate to most of what you wrote on this blog. I hate myself for the crazy thoughts that pop into my head – especially the ones about my kids. They are most important to me – my husband, too. I do not want to hurt them. I would blow myself up with a nuclear missile before I ever harmed them. I am new to this site and have been going through old blogs looking for someone who has been through what I am going through now. I am sorry you have to deal with this. The guilt, the shame, and the horror. Sometimes I feel so worthless and I seek reassurance that they are ok. Ugh. I don't expect anyone to tell me I'm going to be ok. I just want to be ok. I want to not worry so much about my family! I want to be the best mother to them. I want to be a better wife to my husband. I just told him for the first time three days ago about what I am going through. We've known each other half our lives and he has always known I have excessive worries, but he just blows it off. He says he sees me as a little girl in pigtails, always scared of something. What insight. Only, I was never that cute little girl in pigtails. Scared part is right, though. What do you do to get throught these rough times? I am so scared of the kids getting a sense from me that I'm batty. I force myself to act normal, even when sometimes they are standing near me while I'm cutting something, and I start having a panic attack. I will feel such a feeling of dread and impending doom, then I feel like screaming and running away as fast as I can. But I just breathe through it, and make myself keep holding the scissors and cutting out those coupons. I was so proud of myself the other day when I handed my son the scissors (he needed them for something) and I didn't panic. It was a totally normal action. So that's progress. I am determined to get through this. I hope you feel better soon.
I've been doing much better since I wrote that last blog. I've been seeing my psychaitrist regularly and also a psychologist and have been focousing of cognative behavorial therapy and it has been helping. If you haven't read the book "Brain Lock"- read it…it has been my saving grace. I've finally started to realize that I just have to let these obsessive thoughts come and not to fight them, the more I try to fight them the worse they become. I have made up my mind to be confident about myself and the person that I know I am. I am NOT a monster, I would NEVER hurt my children, and I AM a good and loving mother and wife. You need to remmeber these things too. No matter what the OCD tells us, we need to remember that we control our reactions to things. Just because our brain tells keeps telling us something does NOT mean that we will ever act on it. WE control our actions, NOT the OCD. I keep telling myself this a hundred times a day, and eventually I started to believe it. Don't get me wrong, some days are still really hard but I push through them and remind myself that I will try harder tomorrow. If you need someone to chat with, you can message me anytime. Hope I may have helped.