I made an account on Depression Tribe just a moment ago because my Depression has just become more and more significant. I don't like having more Depression than OCD…because Clonopin doesn't get rid of Depression…it doens't even take the edge off it. Abilify was supposed to do that and it made me suicidal and sick to the point where I was vomiting. I'm lost. I have no car right now bc my piece of shit car finally broke down and I can't afford another one, so I've been sharing my fiance's car…how pathetic is that. I'm an adjunct and I'm not even sure that I'm going to get hired for more than 1 class next semester. We're getting married in 4 months and every penny that I save is going to that wedding. Why am I an adjunct? Becuase I'm an artist…art is all I can do, all I'm willing to do, and unfortunatley I haven't gotten real illustration freelance work yet so while I'm pursuing my MFA (in the hopes to become a tenured professor), this is the best I can do. A 9-5 office job would drive me into the psych ward sooner than I could say, "synergy," and I have no other skills besides art. I had one great year where I was getting all this recognition, people gave a shit when I created things and since 2014, its been the year of rejection, I'm at the point where I hear a little voice laugh at me when I walk into my studio…"What are you doing…wasting your time, wasting Eric;s money and time, no one cares about what you create and no one ever will." I believe them, I believe the voices. I pray to God every day. I beg for some kind of happy break, I ask, "What am I doing!? What do you want me to be doing!? Am I being selfish and stupid for thinking that I will ever have a career as an illustrator or Art Professor!? ANSWER ME!?" I feel embarassed and ashamed of what I am. I wore my wedding dress yesterday to show my useless bridal party (none of whom want to be there), and I felt EMBARASSED. I felt like I could almost hear their thoughts of…" Oh boy, lets put on a smile and pretend we give a shit about this loser." I dont want to be here anymore and I was considering seeing a therapist for a while, but I don't know if I could afford the co-pay and I also don't trust any therapist except for 1 but he's not covered in my school insurance. Should I try seeing a therapist or is it very possible that I may indeed just waste $ on someone who doesn't care to hear what I have to say.

1 Comment
  1. Jessealuvseashells 6 years ago

    Thanks Unknowable and Davidw, it's always a relief knowing someone cares to listen.  Unknowable- I think you need to write a book one day. You have a lot to say that people like us need to hear. 

     I think you're both right-I'm going to need a therapist in order to get out of this.

     

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