Someone told me today that I am aphasia. That doesn’t make any sense the way I am writting it. Though, I found out on babelfish that “aphasia” is the english translation for that, exactly like the greek sounding of the word. It means something like being in another phase, in a diferrent phase (like in physics too), or being totally focused in your world, out of focus, not understand the world around you. He told that to me because he was unsattisfied by my late work and attitude there but the point is that I can’t control it, this is me, I can’t be perfect, I am human and I do mistakes (no matter if I am a perfectionist), and the good motives for doing that work are not existing. Nevertheless, that’s not the point here.

When my mood grew up and I made some rather interesting thoughts (while finally being alone, actually walking alone in the city), I got a simple idea that atm made a great sense (maybe it was my mood). That I am actually aphasia, out of phase, and that’s what my real self is. I get another great feeling of accepting things as they are. Though, that must be the 543563nth time I do so but I was feeling great and thoughts were clear but maybe tomorrow it won’t be the same thing. It happens everyday.

And then I said. Do I need to know whether I am OCD, OCPD, autistic, aspie, depressive, asexual, bisexual, synesthetic (Ok, I am very few of these, just an example)? Those things are ways to define distinction between the “normal” (how the average person is) and the one and the same condition we have here. Being different.

Usually, the difference has to be important for someone’s life to make the distinction. The most struggle comes into social matters. If there was a strange behaviour that would force someone to paint green horses (a silly example), it wouldn’t be consider like something “abnormal”, it wouldn’t make it necessary for people to create a new distinction and name it like GHD (Green Horses Disease) or something ;). But if makes the individual to disfunction in social life, that would be visible. And thus some doctors would try to create a new category or define some more subcategories on an already existing one.

We are different, either we wish it or not. And there are two struggles because of our deviance., The physical struggle (e.g. for OCD, it’s me who hates those ugly thoughts) and the social struggle (e.g. for OCD again, it makes me act weirdly or also suffering from social anxiety disorder, thus they find me too weird, don’t accept me, or simple I am too shy and feel bad with myself about not being “normal”).

The first one is there. The second is forced on us because of the common opinion of what most people perceive as normal and our difference in that aspect. I was always worried about what I am and people made me feel bad, like it was my choice to be like that. So many stupid thoughts, trying to justify myself for what I am. But I like most of my parts that now form my personality! Don’t get me wrong.

This is the part I never liked, those common opinions, most of the people who tried to tell me that what I am is wrong without even knowing (I couldn’t even have known much at the time being and kept worrying and trying to find excuses for that ;P). This is a matter about which I’ll write more thoughts in the future..

Ok, focusing on the thought that I am out of phase and remembering the really weird, really strange, really crazy thing I am in it’s deepest details gives me a nice feel. Especially when I accept me as I am. There is no reason to excuse myself. But of course, it’s still important for me to know if I match some of the definitions out there, so there is a reason these medical distinctions exist. And they do help you to get easier in touch with people who might suffer by similar aspects or actually understanding you anyways.

I just wanted to make another point. Or I did have mood to write some more. I had a nice mood this evening, accompanied now with the slight fear about getting that friggin anxiety again. Like it was yesterday and the previous days.

Actually, the first medicine I tried was Zoloft. After a month I saw the light (Maybe that’s how it feels from the mind of a “normal” person. Plus the wisdom of knowing both sides now..). Wow. Though I wasn’t entirely sure and wanted to go on more. I was experimenting and wanted to learn. Then I went into La Dose. Unfortunatelly because my parents don’t approve much of these stuff and neither of most of the people around me accept I have OCD (why?), and because of other reasons too, I didn’t went through them more (I learned what I needed to know though). Only later, my mother proposed me to try John’s Wort and now I am with that. Even if it’s not so noticable, it seems to make up my mood at days but bringing me down during others.

I am not sure. Sometimes I am wondering what is the scale of my anxiety. I know I have OCD because of the thoughts and wicked mechanisms of the demon inside me that I’ve struggled with before reading anything about OCD itself atm. But I don’t know how OCD feels in other person. Sometimes I think my OCD could be more mild than other truly suffering persons. That’s how it seems from other people’s stories..

And I am still searching through it. I am still trying to find what and why I am that. For once, I know that there is something strange going on with me, which is rather interesting though and it’s what I am and nobody should blame me for that!

Nice 🙂

  1. Optimus 16 years ago

    Thank you for mentioning that. I changed a bit the blog title so that there are no misunderstandings. I didn’t even know that it’s also the name of the disorder you mention and I definitelly not have that (I just read about it in wikipedia). Here, it’s just something that put me in thoughts and has nothing to do, a greek phrase and the person who told me that was an arrogant person but I didn’t cared! Sorry for the confusion again..

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  2. Optimus 16 years ago

    Maybe doubting in general and doubting about doubting (as obsessing about obsessing, such a cycle!) is another part of our OCD. And even doubting about having OCD. It gets sad at times because I get the idea that maybe I am just a lazy asshole and not a truly suffering person. Thanks for your comment. Take care!

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