i’ve got sooo much stuff going on in my head, i need two heads to carry it all in.  ok i’ve come to the computer to write a "ugoogily" (quote, unquote Derek Zoolander) for my mate Dale who committed suicide last week, his funeral is tomorrow.  i’m hoping for divine intervention, cause i have no idea what to say.  it’s going to be a tough day tomorrow.  secondly, i have a son who is 5 next month who already displays mild form of ocd…he has issues with germs and asks many questions/day what will and won’t make him sick.  i’ve taken him to the doctor and got him to explain to my son about germs and it did help alot.  i’m very concerned because even though i don’t have ocd that is germ or contamination related, that doesn’t mean he won’t.  so i just tell him that unless it’s poison, or someone with infection coughing on him etc, he won’t get sick..  he doesn’t display the proper ocd found in children like that they don’t like getting dirty or won’t walk on grass or get their feet dirty etc…..he has no excessive hand washing either.  so i’m hoping it’s just a phase, like most kids go through, a curiousity thing.  but nevertheless, it’s freaking me out becuse of my ocd and i’m finding it hard to not feel responsible.  so even if he asks me if he can eat a lump of dog s*!t and will it make him sick, i say no it won’t make you sick but it’ll certainly will taste like s*!t……………………..it’s almost funny………………..but not.   thirdly, my daughter she’s 3 and half.  she had tonsilitis 2-3 weeks ago, she is not good at taking her medicine and we have to physically force it down her throat, it’s horrible, she’s just not getting much better, she’s been sick on an off for 3 weeks tomorrow.  i took her to the doctor today, got new medicine, her lymph nodes are inflamed and full of lumps and he said if she doesn’t get better by friday she has to have a blood test checking on her white blood cell count and that it "could be something more serious", i asked what, thinking he was talking leukiemia…..he said he wouldn’t even say it.  so i’m officially freaked out today and i’m full of fear and worry and stress and got a bad case of the zoids and insanity……..oh sorry i said it all in the first word,,,,,it’s fear, fear, fear, fear and fear.  we can give it all types of descriptive terms in the end, it’s just fear.  what i know is that 99% of all the things i worry about don’t actually happen………so what else can i do but let it go…….easier said than done.  there is so many more things than this going on, which i just won’t go into, it’s too much, sometimes i say ok i’m going to just give this thing 5 minutes in my head to go crazy with the zoids and obsess about, then that’s it, i’m not thinking about it any more…….sometimes it works, sometimes 5 minutes turns into 5 hours or 5 days………i just wish i wasn’t such a goddamn emotional cripple. so i could just cry and release whatever my feelings are and move on and get better.  isn’t that what ‘normal’ folk do? 

1 Comment
  1. Boston 13 years ago

    You can borrow my head, I am not using it anyway!

    Hang in there!!

     

    Boston

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