My marriage is failing. I'm the only one aware of this. My husband seems to have no idea. I suppose you could blame me for that. "Blind-siding" him and all, except I'm not. I've told him, during a couple of past arguments, that we should get counselling–that we didn't communicate well. He doesn't believe me. He conveniently forgets about it once the fight is over. He's happy when we're not arguing. I'm still…not.
I wish my brand of ADHD was the forget-your-problemstype, but it's only the forget-your-keys, lose-your-debit-card, and miss-whole-chunks-of-movies type. That'smainly becauseI'm always preoccupied with the types of things I can't forget.
I love him. I'm still attracted to him. I just don't want to be married anymore. You know that joke men are always chortling over–referring to wives as "the ol' ball-and-chain"? That's what I feel like I'm dragging around. I feel weighted down. I don't even need to fly–I just want to dance.
I can't LIVE because he doesn't want to. I can't travel or enjoy simple things–a hike in the woods, a slog through a muddy pumpkin patch, a day at the beach, a road-trip across a couple states, a taste of some foreign dish. He resists everythingI want to try. He thinks he's living it up every time he pours himself a drink, accuses me of taking away his fun if I complain.
How can someone sit in front of a TV with a drink in their hand and feel like they're LIVING?
I've even come up with cheap ideas for outtings–a couple hours drive to a state park for a nature walk, a20 minute drive to the orchard, a day in Chicago. He sometimes seems mildly interested, but leaves everything to me to figure out.
I say "trip", "experience" or"vacation" and he says "4 or 5-star hotel with a bar", "Vegas–and a bar" and "Universal Studios–and a bar".Of course, we can't afford those things, so we do NOTHING. I say "Grand Canyon", "Niagra Falls", "Rocky Mountains"–we can cut costs by staying in a Super 8 or Holiday Inn!
We're too different. Our values are just different. Our marriage is not on the rocks because we can't agree on a vacation destination. It's in trouble because I'm trying to open myself to life and he keeps slamming the door. He's so inhibitted about travel and doing anything he's not already 100% accustomed to and I find that 100% STIFLING. Life is about taking in new experiences.I don't understand why he's so reluctant to try.
Last summer we finally agreed to start actively trying to get pregnant, and now I don't know anymore. He seems too unyeilding in his ways. I still want a baby, but I don't think I want one with him. What kind of life is this kid going to have with us? A couple of do-nothings…
I'm on medication to help my PCOS and he keeps putting off the semen analysis, in the name of "I have too jobs…blah, wah, time." I'm 35. I'm tired of explaining to him that I'm almost out of time.I'm suffering through shitty side effects of this medication JUST IN CASE IT'S ME,and he wants to push it off another 3 months (Summer vacation), when we're on Spring Break NOW.
I told him "It's okay if you don't want to do this" and he got huffy and defensivewith me. But the truth is, itIS okay. It would be wrong for us to pursue this farce anymore when I think about my freedomwith more longing than I think about raising a child together now.
That's the cold, hard truth, and it feels ugly to think this about aomeone I love.