*warning – discussing self harm and alcoholism*

Not sure what I’m doing in life right now. I have been lightly self harming off and on for the past few months and been increasing my drinking. Last night I decided to finish off a bottle of Jameson and Fireball. Getting drunk and then I remember self harming worse than I have in years. I know both were a bad decision but man it felt amazing when I woke up. I was so clear headed and for a little bit felt numb to my emotions. I just feel like all I need now is a bottle of liquor and my knife and all the constant pain and sadness I feel will be gone. I know it’s only a bad bandaid for my issues but I think at this point I’ve given up on so many things with my life. I don’t think I’ll stop. Two friends have already mentioned my drinking but I don’t think I want to give up one of the few things in this world that keeps the pain at bay. I figured it would get to this point where I would be using a bottle to be happy as other family members have been alcoholics. I know I could ruin my liver but I don’t think I’ll be alive by the age of 30 with how my life is going.

Sorry for the rambling. I just needed to get all of this off my chest to see if I would feel better. And because I know no one I knows cares or would want to listen to my pain or problems. Even now tonight I drink and feeling that buzzed feeling is amazing to me, it’s starting to feel like home to me. I wonder how long it will last before it takes over my life.