I'm on my second cup of coffee this morning, I've been up since 6:30 a.m. I know I asked my husband to wake me when he got up for work, but it still aggravated me. I don't like being woken up for anything. Sleep is one of the few respites I have from feeling bad.

But once I got up and had some coffee and moved out to the porch for internet time I felt better. I'm still tired from working last night ~ it was crazy busy. It never stopped until after the doors closed. And I forgot how on Mondays people are really grouchy. Ugh. Still, I try to make them smile and have a better day before they walk out the door. It helps me get through it and hopefully helps them too.

I almost didn't go; my anxiety was really eating at me yesterday afternoon and I would have given anything not to have to work but I made myself anyhow. It's only 4 hours right? At least I didn't have time to even look at the clock to see how long I had left.

Saturday I was a wreck, but I'm doing better now. Sunday was interesting ~ we ended up going to the beach with our friends and their daughter. It's the first time we've seen them in over a month, and at first I was really uncomfortable. But as the hours passed and the kids played and we all talked things started to feel somewhat normal again. Like maybe our friendship is going to make it through all this. I'm glad, because it's been weighing really heavy on my heart.

Her birthday is coming up in a few days and I have no idea what to do for her or get her. And we really don't have any extra money to spend, so I'm going to have to be creative I guess. Last year I got her really nice sheets for her bed. This year it can't be anything so extravagant.

Last night while I was at work Aaron and Zach went with Mike and Michelle to a nearby park and did some jogging and played tennis and worked out some. He's very sore today, but I was really glad they went because it gave Zach a chance to get rid of some of his pent up energy. Yesterday we didn't do much; I had to drop some stuff off at the library, then go drop my schedule off at work and then go see my psychiatrist. After that we came home and ate lunch and I napped because I had to go to work in a couple of hours.

My doctor changed my dosage of Ritalin to 5 mg 3 times a day because I'm having a hard time staying level. I'm having peaks and valleys because it doesn't last long enough in my system before I could take another dosage. So we're going to try this instead. Hopefully it will work better for me. The only concern is that if I take one too late in the day it will cause insomnia. He warned me of that.

I don't know what today holds. My Mom is home for her "weekend" (Tues and Wed) and it's likely that we'll be going grocery shopping with her. I know I have to go by work and pick up my check (YES!) and my new schedule for the week, and I'm going to play some games with Zachary and maybe go for a family bike ride this evening, but not sure of anything else. I'm tired today and I think it's residual of the last 5 weeks of stress. Hopefully the med change will fix some of that.

Saturday kind of scared me. During my fight with Aaron he made a comment about "you being your illness" and that just flipped me out and rubbed me the wrong way. I am NOT my illness! It's a part of me, yes, but that's it. Sometimes it rules my life, but not all of the time and I try very hard not to let it. So I went downstairs and laid on the bed, wrapped around a pillow and stared at the wall for a couple of hours, dreaming of things I was going to carve on myself or how I could hurt myself, even considering suicide. Because if my husband believes that I AM my illness, then maybe it's time to give up. I refused to talk to anyone during that time or even move, and just let the scary thoughts race through my mind over and over again. It took me 3 hours to get out of that bed and face my family again, but seeing Zachary always helps some, even when things are really bad. All I could do was keep thinking "I will NOT fail my son in this".

Lately, ever since the incident with Corey, Zach has been asking me to sit with him for a few minutes every night. It helps him fall asleep, and while I sometimes get aggravated with it because I'm tired and want to go to bed too, it always soothes and calms me. I think it's good for both of us. It's those quiet moments when we whisper to each other about things on our minds and giggle about silly little items and it means so much. It's good to know I still can provide him a lot of comfort just by being there with him and cuddling.

I finally talked to Aaron about how offended I was by what he said to me about " the illness being who I am" and how hurt and angry it made me. He told me that was not how he meant it, but I made him swear never to say anything like that again because it makes me give up wanting to try.

In many ways I'm frustrated with my marriage ~ so often he's still a little boy looking for comfort from his mama. I need a man instead. On bad days I've always referred to him as Peter Pan because he's never grown up. In a couple of weeks he'll be 33 and he's still the guy I met in high school in so many ways. It gets old. And it's the same fight over and over again, always.

On another completely different note, my Mom, Zachary and I might go to the Blue Ridge Mountains for a week or two. I'm still trying to decide, but I have to hurry. School will resume soon and we're going to run out of time. I'm just afraid it will put me in a funk again like it did the last time we went, but I was depressed when we went anyhow. So maybe this time will go better. I'd get to see my cousin and her kids and my Aunt and Uncle. I don't like leaving Aaron behind but he won't go, he won't want to use up his vacation days. So it's up to me to make the decision.

Anyhow, that's what has been happening here. Sorry I've been gone for a little bit ~ just had a lot going on and a lot on my mind. Love you all and hope your Tuesday is good.


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