9/10/09 Thursday  5:10 pm

Feeling burnt out and resentful and want to procrasinate on work , maybe an expression of being passive aggressive although it could also be fear of success and self sabotaging or also guilt over success and self sabotaging. I don't feel I have right to success at some neurotic level. I feel terrified that there is so much to do but I get so discouraged and resentful that I just feel like giving up and doing nothing except surf facebook (which I was doing for forty minutes before I started blogging. I have so much to do and yet I am wasting time surfing on facebook. It's like a hypnotic trance or an addiction, once I get started, I just want to keep surfing. Part of me is angry with myself that I am screwing off. I feel torn between the side of me that feels pressured to perform and to work and the part of me that is rebellious and resentful. I know that somewhere in this toxic mix of swirling emotions is a small whispering call to slow down, to let go of all the resentment, the addiction, the anxiety, the guilt and just try to connect with God. I know that God is available if I can ask Him for his help and grace to help me stop this inner war. Jesus, help me, Holy Spirit help me. I am listening to JC Superstar in background from Rhapsody. I love the musical even though it is irreverent but it does have a spritual dimension , of the struggle to connect with JC's divine and his human nature, of the epochal Passion events. I think of how JC must have struggled with his different natures, his human side must have felt sadness and fear at the prospect of dying , he must have felt some reluctance, some resentment at the sacrifice He was asked to make. JC, be with me as I struggle, help me to connect with you.l Jesus, Jesus, I feel my breath slow down and deepen. Help me let go of my fears, to trust you. Jesus,

5:21 pm