Its been a few years since i was part of this site and much has changed both with the site and myself but recently I became aware that i am struggling with new aspects of my depression the main one being my lack of interest in normal activities and the honest lack of care about my general day to day life, i dont want to spend time with people, feeling i dont have much to say or discuss or honestly i just dont care about it or the topics being discussed, being around others is just draining and a waste of my time i would rather be left alone. One of the biggest feelings ive been struggling with is the sense of not having enough time for myself and that those around me are demanding more and more care from me its possible that they are not requiring more its just that i dont have it in me to give it or i simply put i dont want to. This is leading to feelings of frustration and anger usually aimed at myself but often is aimed at those around me.
I know for many who are in lock down this is an incredibly difficult time for them and i understand the hows and the why and even the reasons but for me personally its a relief, a relief that i dont need to see people, that i dont need to go to work, i no longer need to interact with people and have conversations that just dont interest me. For the first time in a few years i actually feel like i am looking after myself and putting me first, i am able to hide away from the world and live in my bubble once again. When i say my bubble though i am aware that yet again this is different, my PTSD was horrific and i was afraid of leaving the house and being in new situations these days its very different i dont want to leave my home because honestly i just dont fucking want to, i dont want to be around people i dont want to spend time with people i just want to be left alone to be happy ALONE! It is just easier.. i am focusing on basics atm trying to eat healthier ( though i am skipping meals a lot usually only 1 per day but my appetite is like a yo yo ) and trying to get out a walk 3 times per week. I have balance in some areas and understanding in others and also self accepting in many. Some asked me recently what my goals in life where , what i wanted to do and achieve and the bottom line to many of these answers is i just want to be at home. This is where the issues lie though… i am aware on some level that all of this isnt healthy i should care about some aspects but honestly some days i feel like i am going through the motions in life not because i want to but because it is required of me… or my own perception of requirements i guess… has anyone else experienced this ? how did you cope ? what steps did you take to over come this ?