Hey all, first blog here.  Been on this site for a lil while now but only really getting into it more now.  Just feel like i wanna write, get some stuff out, vent a little while im at it. 

Im 23 and have had ocd since my early teens, well thats as far as i can remember it anyways and its been getting worse and worse, more serious in its effects lately.  Ive always had obsessions and compulsions with checking, checking and rechecking, obsessions with numbers and doing things a certain way.  Always worried that if i dont do something right, check the door is locked, stove is off, something very bad could happen and it would be all my fault.  Checking gets so bad that im almost always very late and just drives me crazy.  I hate going to bed because it feels more like a chore, constantly having to check everything is just right which results in little sleep.

Ive got the constant intrusive horrible thoughts,  angry and violent and just cant stand it, i know it all makes no sense and there’s no logical justification behind but as hard as i try i just cant seem to beat it. Always seriously worrying about badly hurting someone or someone close to me, I cant stand those constant horrible thoughts.   I obsess over my obsessions, I think i forgot to do something so I have to check to make sure, but then i check and check and check until i cant stand it, makes me feel just helpless, i can spend hours worried and checking things until they feel just right to me and i hate myself for not being able to stop.  I bottle it up and just try to move on…but that never seems to work

I was on paxil for a period of time, but hated the side effects and have been trying to beat it on my own and just deal with it.  Havent told my family yet or friends, Ive had it for a while now, but i guess ive just gorwn to be good at hiding it.  I always obsess what people are thinking about me and obsess over every little interaction I have, I just dont have it in me at the moment to tell anyone i know about my ocd.  Sometimes its just so damn frustrating, I feel useless and like a lost case.  Its just getting worse, the compulsions and intrusive thoughts keep piling up around me drowning me, feels like I have no control over my own life.  I try my best to fight it off and sometimes come out on top, but more often or not i just succomb to it all and feel like totally giving up.  I try to shut down my brain or think as little as possible to try and make it go away making me feel numb, alone and empty inside.  I either feel nothing through shutting myself down or become engrossed in my ocd, its just…making me feel like i have no control and that my life is pointless and useless.  I know its illogical…but i just cant help it.

Well those are my toughts at the moment.  I just had to get that off my chest and vent a little, just so tired of constantly bottling it all up inside. 

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read and I wish you all the best as well, have a great day.