Having OCD, some days, is just hard. Seeing as how I literally just recovered from bawling my eyes out for around an hour, i decided I'd write, to get out what I really can't vocalize. Some days, I just feel, devastated. Not a minute goes by where I don't think about how much OCD has robbed from me. It has taken my life, and my joy. It's only been two years since a diagnosis but it feels like it has been an eternity. Days like today, i'm just frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that I can't do anything, go anywhere, really, just livemy life. Due to my specific fears and obsessions it's hard for me to even walk out of my house. The anger that I feel from not being able to function because of my obsessions is endless. There are days when I feel like I could scream hours on end, break at least twenty windows. I'm angry, angry because I feel like I've been given to much to bare, to handle. I'm angry with God, for "blessing" me with this disorder. But I'm also angry at myself, because I feel like it's my fault. I constantly rack my brain with "What could I have done?" to prevent all of this pain, and unnecessary anxiety. Sometimes it just feels like I just have tunnel vision, and all I can see is my OCD, my fears. Despite being told many times that having this disorder is not my fault, I still feel like in a small way maybe it is. I can't see any of my life outside of the disorder. On top of dealing with this, I'm dealing with depression (which I'm pretty sure is caused by the OCD). Because of my anxieties, it's sometimes hard for me to get out of the house, but staying insidehouse only fosters thedepression. I just sit in my room for days, isolated, somehow convincing myself that the anxiety I feel, is worse than the sadness and depressive thoughts that pollute my mind at home. I feel stuck. If I go out, I'm anxious, if I'm inside all the time, I'm just depressed. Getting hit from both sides is absolutely exhausting. Choosing the lesser evil is just . . .there are no words for it. I guess maybe i'm desiring a little too much. I miss having a social life, an academic life, and really anysemblance of a regular existence. I miss my friends, and I miss being OK. Sometimes i just feel that all of the fears and obsessions I deal with make up this insurmountable mountain, that I can't get over no matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm chipping away at an iceberg. Maybe it's selfish of me to want more out of my life at the moment, but I just hate the state that i'm in. Being stuck, and frozen in time while everyone around me lives their lives and enjoy growth and change, is hard. i envy those around me, they have something so precious, something I feel that I'll never get back. There are moments when I just feelutterly hopeless. Like I'm working towards an impossible goal.Depression sucks. OCD sucks. Sorry for venting but I am just really having a hard time. Is there anyone who could give me some advice on how to deal with this better? Seriously, anything, just to let me know that this gets better. . .

4 Comments
  1. SpaceTime 8 years ago

    I've been there too. OCD can take so much from us…when we allow it to. There are really effective strategies for successfully living with OCD. Learning to just accept obsessive thoughts, as difficult as that can be, is one way to start taking back your life. Your description of the "insurmountable mountain" sounds familiar. But it is not insurmountable. You can develop the tools that will allow you to get over anything OCD can throw at you.

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  2. Dent838 8 years ago

    I’ve hit some of those bad times too, with days I couldn’t leave the house.  Hell, it was tough to get away from the one “clean” spot on my couch.  Going anywhere else was mentally taxing, so I just didn’t. 

     

    I don’t have any magic dust to solve it.  Seems like I just managed to find ways to pick myself up.  Maybe you just have to shock your way out of the comfort zone.  Like exposure therapy—put yourself in a situation you fear, go outside for some reason, and force yourself to deal with it.  You’ll find a way to survive it.

     

    Have you seen anyone about your OCD?  I mean, I know my advice is pretty awesome, but you might want to look to someone with a cooler diploma.  🙂

     

    Good luck.

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  3. Gilbech 8 years ago

    Everything you have said, I have felt. You have eloquently said what we go through with this disorder. I am having a bad day today. But, I have had many beautiful days. I think it's healthy to get angry about this disgusting thing that robs our joy. I crave a relationship with God, and yet I am so mad at him for making me go through this. Why do we have to go through this? The only solace I can find in my discomfort is knowing I am not alone. I truly believe our kind, is a special kind. And, I have to believe that one day our struggles will pay off. We have to be meant for something great. Don't give up and know when you are in your darkest hour, you are surrounded by understanding.

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  4. treasureL 8 years ago

    Thank you all for your hopeful and encouraging comments. I realize now that I really am not the only one struggling with this, and that takes a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. It's been a few weeks since I've felt that low, and I'm thankful that the time has passed. I know now this is a day by day battle, something that won't be conquered overnight. OCD is hard to deal with, but I'm taking the steps towards getting my life back. Again, thank you 🙂

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