So today I got up early.. I tried to go to bed early last night, but I think my body is just too accustom to staying up into the early hours of the day.  I woke up many times during the night.. it wasn’t fun.. and then I was having dreams that I got up and was chatting to FourtyFour in the chatroom. Now that i think about it i don’t even know if it was a dream or not. I guess I will find out later.

So I got up at 9am to my alarm, knowing that at 10am I had my appt with my GP to get my psychology sessions for free. I had been dreading it and i think that was a apart of why i didn’t sleep last night. I was glad that mum had left the house, cause i didn’t want to have to be explaining where i was going and why.

So I got on the bus and went down to the dr’s.. after waiting about 30mins i finally got in to see her.. it was very scary.. she asked alot of questions about me, my life, family, all this stuff. She asked me if cut.. about suicide, about all these things that i havn’t talked about to someone, apart from my DT friends.. It was very daunting and scary, but she took it different to i expected. She was friendly and caring. I don’t see that much.

So after talking to her for about 40mins, filling out the forms, i left the office with a big white envelope with the referal and the forms. She’s hooked me up with a Psych in town, so thats going to mean a bus trip to see her.. I havn’t actually called the psych and booked an appointment yet. I’ll do that when mum isn’t here. I don’t like her knowing my business.

After the appointment i went to the nearby shopping centre.. i needed to wind down. It didn’t work. i ended up having a mild anxiety attack in the bathrooms a the shopping centre.. After i got myself together, i got back on the bus and went home.

I read the entire report that the dr wrote.. I dunno how i feel about what she said. Maybe i shouldn’t have read it.. I was honest with her, but i still feel like i should have said more. She noted that i have Adjustment Disorder. with depression . After reading about what that is.. It seems more like a general term for "We don’t know whats wrong with her, so we’ll just call it this".. Just another label i guess. I shed a tear while i was reading it. It made it feel so real.. like this is it.. I’m going to have to go to therapy.. there is definatly something wrong with me… I’m affraid that if the depression goes away, i’m going to loose a part of my identity.. is that strange? .. is today the beginning of the end????????……………..