Upon first impression when you meet me things look, sound and appear normal. But, upon first impression I am thinking, do you care, what is your story, would you really understand my story, will you hurt me like everyone else.

I have suffered from depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for almost 35 years now. I understand why, I understand how stupid it can be to think the way I do, I understand coping skills. But, I do not understand how to stop it.

I was fairly "stable" for about 15 years. I locked all my feelings away because it was hurting my 3 young children. One has high functioning autism and needed me to be strong. So I was. But, after the girls moved out and my autistic son moved into a group home, it was hard to be strong any longer. I began to treat my husband of 17 years like crap pushing him away with any excuse I could come up with. Until he left, convinced I did not want him around anymore. With in a few days the rope that I was holding on to came completly unraveled and I had a complete melt down. Desprately looking for a sure fire way to end the roller coaster my mind and life was on.

Now three years later my depression comes and goes with great intensity some days. My kids are worried about me. The guy I live with gets confused about how to respond to my eratic thoughts. I am a wreck walking around like everthing is ok so everyone around me will be "ok".

I know life is suppose to be this wonderful thing that is suppose to be 'worth' fighting for. I just don't understand why. Life is in no way wonderful, it has moments of wonder…only moments though. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and grandkids, my dogs and my cat, the guy I live with. But…. I do not love my life, myself. I feel like I am just exsisting, I hate that.

I am not sure what I am looking for here, or what I will find. I do however know that I can no longer ride this ride alone. I have tried meds, hated the side effects, I had to stop taking them. I have tried talk doctors, but I have been to them since I was a child and find them useless. So, now I will try this, whatever it is, and see if it can help me in some way.