I have made the decision that I am going to start tapering off my Suboxone. I might always be an addict but I don’t want to have to take a little strip every day to remind me of it. I can go all day without thinking of taking pain pills but then at about 6 pm every night when I start go get sick I am reminded that I was once addicted to pain killers and I have to invite Fuckwad Frank back in to my life and revisit my addiction all over again while I look for that crappy tasting strip and hold it under my tongue for 15 minutes. That’s the nice thing that having moved in to a new house shortly after I got clean has going for it, that is hold no memory of me using in it. It has no memories of me passing out in it and it has no memory of me being hopeless in it. I think that if I was still in my old house that I would have relapsed about 100 times by now with all the bad memories that were in there as far as using goes, and let’s not forget that the drug dealer was right across the street, I would not have stood a chance. I am pleased to say that I have not relapsed since I went in to detox on July 17 2012, which is huge. The fact that I am getting this recovery thing right the first time is pretty crazy since I usually never get anything right the first time around. Usually I have to make the same mistake over and over again if I am going to learn from it, but not this recovery thing. I feel like I have this thing licked. I never want to go through that hell on earth again. The hell that is counting pills, the hell that is counting money, the hell that is waiting until the first of every month for when my supplier’s pills came in, and the hell that was getting sick because I ate too many pills and I didn’t have enough to last me until my supply was replenished. There is nothing worse on this planet than opiate withdrawal I am sure of it. I don’t want to relive any of it, which is why I am sure that I am ready to start tapering off. I can’t wait for the day that I don’t have to take that little orange strip any more so that I can get back to my “normal” life. The life that I chose weather I was high or not this is my life and I must have wanted it at one time or another or I would not be where I am today. I can’t blame all of my choices on drugs and alcohol; I have way too many good things in my life for that to be true.

I went to a meeting for parents with “developmentally delayed” children the other night and it felt REALLY good to be in a room with people that were going through the same thing as I am. I think that this meeting that I went to convinced me to try and find an NA meeting close to my house so that I can once again get that feeling that I am not so alone in what I am going through.

1 Comment
  1. alanoriley 10 years ago

    MrsC:

    Oh, trust me, you are not alone, that's only the addict part of your brain telling you so.  It woud be fantastic that you found NA nearby to attend.  I think I mentioned before how much that helped me realize i was not the only one that screwed up my life.   So much going for you.  Only one caution!  I just had a friend of mine with over 5 years in recovery relapse on opiates.  Some time ago he thought he had it "Licked".  The longer you stay clean, the easier it will get to recognize when the thought you are having may be from the addict in your head trying to regain control.  You are traveling a one way road.  Just don't stop or turm around.  Keep doing what you are doing.  It's just that as addicts, we can't always trust our own thoughts unfortunately.  I often say, my best thinking made me choose poisin over food!

    Keep it goin' I love reading this stuff!

    Alan

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