I’ve deleted my MySpace page and I decided to copy over the contents of the blog I had there. There were some bad days in there but it gives me something to look back on. 😉
10 May 2007
Chair
What in Christendom is wrong with me? Having not slept until 3.30am, I woke up at 9.30am feeling like a box of birds. Out of bed and into the day. Unfortunately I didn’t have work, but I ended up redesigning my website (currently nothing but an outlet for hubris and bad writing and past lives). I am a left-brain A-type personality with no confidence whatsoever, yet this afternoon I brainstormed. The ideas were flowing so fast that my hand couldn’t write them down quickly enough. Now I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon drinking coffee and writing HTML and designing images. And I’m looking forward to it. It is impossible for me to describe what it is like to have a day like this. A small part of me knows that it probably means tomorrow will be a living hell, but I am going to enjoy this as long as it lasts.
09 May 2007
Bread
I am SUCH a dickhead. I thought it would be smart to chat to S again last night and try to tell him how bad I felt. When will I learn that people just don’t and won’t care? So I went to bed and lay there trying to figure out how to kill myself without hurting D and promptly woke him with my hiccupping. Now he’s even more scared than he was before. I just want this to end. It feels like a nightmare. Why won’t anyone help me?
08 May 2007
Dish
I have just had a haircut. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was shocked by how ugly I am. Why weren’t people pointing and staring at me? How could the hairdresser let me go out in public looking like I do? What is wrong with me?
08May 2007
Water
A really, really bad night and normally nights are okay. Stayed up late in case I got a chance to chat with S online. He now seems disinterested. Acted as if he doesn’t know that I hate life and everything in it. Perhaps he was trying to distract me. Kept going on and on and ON about how happy he and J are. Like that helps. I actually thought that meeting a new in-law would be an opportunity to develop a friendship. It seems I have stuffed it up already. But it’s fairly hard to make friends when all you want is someone to tell you you’re worth something. When he had such a long conversation with me on Friday, that’s what I assumed he thought. Seems he was just being polite.
So I spent until about 3am unable to stop crying and unable to stop thinking about what a sad waste I am. D did nothing but tell me off for being silly. He seems to think I can stop thinking like this but I don’t know how. The thoughts go round and round. I’m terrified that they’re going to turn into voices.
I want to die. I am pissed off – SO pissed off – that I care about D too much to put him through the hell of his wife’s suicide. What sort of shit would that make me? But this can’t go on. Maybe I should try to attract large trucks and killer bees.
07 May 2007
Boat
Another birthday that’s lived up to all expectations. I spent the morning screaming at whatever created me. What sort of cruelty is it to form a human being in one’s own image, equip it with nothing to get through life, even save it when it has a chance to die, and leave it to suffer through life until the end? What sort of bastard creates a person to hate itself yet doesn’t give it the strength to end itself?
05 May 2007
Toad
A wonderful week with S. He spent last Sunday night here, then took us out on Monday for dinner, and then we had a dinner at B and E’s, and then I spent several hours with him in town yesterday. He’s strangely like D, but thinner, darker and much more confident. Thoughtful, humble, dry sense of humour and completely besotted with J. I hope she knows it! Actually made me feel quite guilty about the rut D and I have falled into – but we can fix that. Interesting guy anyway. Perhaps too wise for me, but a potential friend. I miss him already.
23 Apr 2007
Insect
The old black dog’s back. No anxiety this time – just feel like shit. Can’t (or won’t) do anything much. Very, very tired. I keep thinking I’m conscious of it and that I know what are and are not silly thoughts, but I switch moods (and therefore theories) so often (I’m lazy, I’m fine, I’m sick, I’m insane, etc) that I don’t know where I am. But what I always want is for everyone to leave me alone. I enjoy the world; I just hate dealing with the people in it. D is the only one I can stand to be around and sometimes not even him. I want interactions to occur when and how I choose. Responsibility is killing me. Guilt and failure and blame are constant. That can’t be normal.
The children are confused. C announced he didn’t want to live here a fortnight ago. D overruled and wants to work problems out (apparently C is bored and has no friends here). So frustrating and predictable. The depression is a very unfortunate coincidence – I have no patience for sucking up to spoilt kids.
I just don’t know why I’m here and what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.
20 Dec 2006
Roof
Quit smoking today. Two hours in and all okay!
17 Oct 2006
Heap
It’s been such a long time since I wrote. I had that psych assessment yesterday which was totally exhausting. But they’ve decided the anti-depressants aren’t working properly so they’re going to put me on Lithium. And they want me to get counselling – yeah, like I have the energy to find one and make appointments right now.
12 Sep 2006
Lump
Just off to the doctor’s now. I haven’t heard from the psych at all yet, so hopefully there’ll be an appointment soon. I’ve had a few downs lately – the euphoria of more drugs is probably wearing off. Nothing like before though, even though it’s scary knowing it’s only drugs keeping me stable. G’s away till next Monday – kind of looking forward to a bit of space.
