The last week has been the most confusing… I mean my heart and head have been fighting over emotions. I'm so confused and I can't put into words how I feel. There have been so many good and so many bad things that have happened that it's just so unfair.

My sister was just raped on Wednesday. Looking @ her beautiful face full of pure naive expressions… to know that her gift from god was stolen from her. Augh I want to kill that motherfucker! Fisrt I thought he just had her strip in front of her but it was 100 times mroe serious. She came in my room and cried on my bed telling me all of what happened… I told my dad and now he wants to press charges.

That was the first thing that really hit me bad, but before that something else bad happened. This guy I used to have a crush on pretty much embarasses the hell outta me by telling everyone that I was following him like a lost puppy. I guess I knida was, but fuck, if there is a problem, you take it up with me. I wish he would have maned the fuck up and told me. Its weird becasue I didn't even know I was bothering him… but I guess I know now. Its so effing strange because he made it sound like I want him or something, yeah fucking right! Anyway instead of telling me he tells everyone and finally on of my friends tells me. OMG! I was so mad! I didn't say anything. But my feelings were still hurt. What made it more confusing is the fact that now he has a girlfriend. I'm jsut not sure how to feel about this, should I care? I don't know. I know it bothers me but why?

I am so happy with my boyfriend now because we had worked things out. When he went to see my Thrapist it went so well. I finally got to hear him out. He normally never tells me the stressors he has but him doing that really opened my eyes. I can't even imagine how much he hurts sometimes because he doesn't tell anyone. We have made a promise to go once a month to get some help.

I am now learning the guitar and I had my first lesson on Tuesday which went very well! I was so happy, singing lessons went great as well. It just gives me such a weird feeling for this whole week.

So the bad kinda of out weighs the good, but Austin being in my life being supportaive its enough to give me hope to hang on.

I don't know how this will reflect my life, but I know realize how selfish I was, with Austin's feelings, with Amanda's (my sister) fellings. I know she will never be the same and something so precious was stolen from her… and she can never get it back. I swear I'm going to find this kid and beat the shit out of him!!!!

God why?!?! Why can this world be so heartless sometimes?


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