So…I know this is late but I hope everyone else had a good 4th of July…and also sorry that I haven't posted an entry for a few days either, I just haven't had the energy or the motivation to write.

Anyway, For the 4th of July both maddie and Kim bailed on me, again. Part of me was relieved since I wouldn't have to see they're perfect bodies and all of that shit. but at the same time, I felt like I'm a mat that's always walked on,

Because I had asked about seeing them Friday or this weekend possible instead, but she said it wouldn't be a good time,and that MAYBE monday would be a good day. So like the coward I am, I was like "That's fine, I understand no worries"

and she replied in a text "Thanks for being so understanding! 🙂 "

I'm like a puppy who is battered and abused but still remains so loyal to the abuser, and no matter what I can't stay mad at them. But I know they don't really want to be around me, that's why they always have an excuse right?

But back more onto topic, I was still forced to go to universal for the 4th of july- when I say forced I mean FORCED alright?

Someone had asked why I say 'forced' and that I seem to go out alot….Let's get something straight, I RARELY go out anywhere…alright? I don't know where that person got the idea that I did…but again I can't properly express my thoughts.

Of course the place was BEYOND packed, at some points it got super bad and I don't even know how I survived it. Then for dinner we ate at this Greek themed place that was there, I had to eat…

I ordered "phad Thai" (or something like that) which was rice noodles, and roasted veggies (I didn't get any sauce with it) despite it being fairly healthy after I was down I went to the bathroom and you know the rest, though a group of girls walked in, and one must have heard me vomiting cause she aksed if i was alright

at first I didn't answer, but she asked again so i quickly said I was fine before I continued to quietly hurl. by the time I was done I washed my hands (I was in that big stall that has the sink in it) and got cleaned up, I opened the door and the girl was standing there (she was waiting for her friend)

She smiled at me, again asking if I was okay. I kept my gaze to the floor and told her I was fine, but thanks for asking. she then complicated my BVB shirt, I just nodded said thanks and rushed out of the bathroom.

I wanted to cry or something because I knew it was just pity, the girl didn't even know me so why the hell would she care (or her friends) if I was hurling or not.afterwards we continued around both theme parks and all that shit, then fireworks later that night.

That was the worst of it…all those people gathered to watched the show…there was no room to walk at all..NONE….it was worse then a can of packed sardines! and we left the place around 11, and it took like an hour just to get out of the parking garage , so we got home like around 1am.

I just crashed after that, from being stressed mentally and drained physically. I'm still so sore from it even now.

So that's how yesterday went. Today I was reading a comment on one of my more recent blogs…and that person was right, I am slowly dying and the fact no one (except for the people on this site) can notice that..it just shows how worthless I am.

It's killing me and I don't think i'm going to make it, I honestly don't…I'm trying, I'm trying to focus on becoming a vet and what not…but If I can't save myself how can I save animals?

Animals are better off without me as well…They also pity me I know it…My dogs who I love with all my heart probably just hate me…

Today I slept most of the day because of the pills I took, and all that shit. I took alot not to long ago, Honestly i'm not sure how I'm still able to type this much with the amount I took.

It might be to late for me, But I know it's not for others on this site…so I really do hope everyone else is doing alright at the moment…I'm always willing to listen if you need someone to vent to…I just hope I won't be a burden

and if I ever have been,i apologize…

I cut on my arms again today, I even saw Griffon sent me another message but I was to scared to see what it was about this time so I didn't open it…I don't know what to think or do about him yet…

I hate the fact i've fallen for him, Despite knowing that love or anything like that is impossible for me…

Ah…I'm sorry, I'm such a downer i'm probably making all of you depressed right now. So i'm going to shut up now…Have a nice night everyone…