Right now i’m sitting at my desk in my room with my two other co-workers. I woke up this morning a little bit grey. I don’t know why describing my moods in color. It makes sense to me because, You can visualize it and understand a bit better. My head hurts because the night before I didn’t fall a sleep until after midnight. I feel sad because I haven’t had any intimate contact with anyone.

 

Just my Ex boyfriend. We kissed, we had sex, and we held hands. But thats about it, there wasn’t any big connection. The time was mostly just to get my needs taken care of and leave. I only stayed for 2 hours with him. I could have stayed longer but for some reason I know he doesn’t think of me as anything important to him. Which I am okay with, i think. I was extremely attracted to him until I realized our bond was over looked because of me.

Now that I know I have no feelings anymore for anyone right now I feel lonely. I know I’m suppose to fill myself up but right now I miss the feeling of being hugged. Of being touched with out any sexual intention. I guess I’m feeling more depressed today. Knowing I’ll be going home to no one but myself. I’m working hard everyday to achieve the life I want. I hope I don’t grow tired and lean on someone again.

I guess I miss my old boyfriend he was stressed so much about unknown things, but I loved him. I could say so much to him right now. How I miss laying next to him, listening to his heart beat or hearing his soft but sometimes loud snores. I miss us joking, I miss us laughing together, I miss us holding hands, I miss crying into his chest when the whole world felt scary. I don’t have that comfort any more. and it hurts. I’m alone. It hurts to move my fingers to type. It hurts to hold back my tears as I type this in a room full of people. But i do it, so I guess im a high functioning Depressed person.

I want cry, I want to be mad but ive done all of those things and it would make me feel better for a while then I would become more sad. It turns into a cycle of feeling sorry for myself and I’m tired of it. Tired of being sad for myself I use to work hard, I use to be so motivated. I’m trying to get back to that, I’m trying to remember that I am happy but today It seems a little impossible.

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