Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate the holiday. Today was supposed to be a good one for me, my oldest son, who is married and lives in Scotland, is visiting for the holiday. We gathered for dinner at my dads, with my other two adult children, and my daughter-in-law. I suffer from Agoraphobia, Panic disorder, and bipolar 2. I have issues being out of the house for long periods of time, and I came to visit them on Tuesday. Dinner was nice, and it was going well, then the panic attack started. I tried so hard to be able to be normal, for this one day, but I couldn’t hide the anxiousness and need to go home. It always comes out as aggravation and annoyance when I try to keep my attacks inside, and my kids don’t understand at all. They think I am just a (starts with a b) and now my daughter wont even speak to me since we have gotten home, because I know she thinks I acted like a fool. I have been crying in my room since we got home. I sent heartfelt sorry texts to my son, and father. I feel like I am always unintentionally pushing my family away from me. I can’t always help or control my anxiety, but it sure does have full control over me. I don’t want my kids to think I don’t love them, or I don’t want to be around them, but they don’t understand, because they have never experienced it. I just want to be a good mom, not a dumpster fire mess.