Years ago sleep was just something I did when I was tired and tried to get 6-8 hours each 24 hour period. That was it.
a year or so ago sleep was an illusive thing that other people got, it was something I needed, but not something I could get.
Now sleep has become yet something else. A month or so ago it was a way to escape my life for a while. I could take a few pills and escape into darkness on days off. It helped the time go by quicker and I think that it kept me safe as well. Now I do not need sleeping pills. I can and do sleep a lot. A lot. My last day off I slept for 7 hours, then was up for a few. Took a 2 hour nap and 3 hours later went back to bed for the night. I can often fit 14-18 hours of sleep in on a day off now. No drugs needed.
Maybe I shouldnt worry. Maybe its from working so many hours. I dont know for sure. Perhaps thats why it worries me.
If anyone is reading this and you have anyone, ANYONE who periodically hugs you…..please be grateful for that. I have been in serious need for a hug for about two weeks. There is nobody. Its getting sad enough that I've considered asking people I dont really know if theyd be interested. Hugging my little dog doesnt really help much but I've been trying. I tend to fall asleep at night hugging myself and pretending its someone else. I want to hug and kiss my kids. I can not. They are in pain and I cant help them.
I worry about a lot of things right now. Many things. I wonder about things that I probably shouldnt even be thinking. For example, yes my kids love me and need me but I cant be there for them at the moment and this moment shows no signs of ending anytime soon. So…..what exactly is my insurance policy. I know its not as high as my husbands. I think I will look into that. I could always find a creative way to work with that. Then the bills would be paid, my husband wouldnt have to find a high paying job. He could find something he could do from home. They have already done a good job learning how to be without me there. Yes, it wouldnt be as good for them as me being there but try as I might there is no way I can find a way to be there AND for us to not lose everything. Putting food on the table, providing health insurance and money for bills……seems to require me to live away from them. There is no end in sight. Seems like there has to be a way for me to work out something. Something that can ease my issues and theirs.
The difference between this and earlier is that I can think logically and without emotion about it. yay for depression meds.