If you've read my past blogs, you may have read about how my brother, who has severe Autism and about 6 other mental handicaps, is violent towards me and has made threats on my life. I've been a prisoner in the house I've grown up in, given no choice but to live on a mattress on the floor in the corner of our house's unfinished storage room, hiding there for safety.

Well, I'm finally moving out.

I have incredibly mixed emotions about this. If my brother were not the way he was, I would be in absolutely no hurry at all to move out of the house. I have a great relationship with my parents- I love them more than anything in the world- and my sister and I get along most of the time (we argue in the way that all siblings do at least once in a blue moon, nothing catty). I feel so much sadness in my heart to think that I'm leaving them behind, though my therapist told me not to think of it that way. Most everyone moves out at some time and this is just my time. I hope that they're all safe there with my brother, as he has yet to target anyone else and I hope that my Dad's depression doesn't take over. We've always been like close friends with one another and we could talk for hours. I'll miss that so much that if I think about it for more than a few seconds, I feel like I'm going to cry. I'll also be leaving behind my 12-year-old miniature pinscher. She's my baby and I am by far her favorite person; she follows me everyone and does everything with me. She's even been sleeping on the rug in the bathroom while I shower and get ready for work. So there's a lot of stuff I'll miss but there's also things I wont miss. The pros of moving currently outweigh the cons.

However, my new living-situation-to-be isn't ideal. For a long time I've been looking at apartments available within at least 45 minutes of my job and there's been nothing that I could afford on my own. The only thing that I could afford was foreclosed houses, which is an unstable way to buy. You could spend months waiting to hear back from the bank after you've made your offer only to hear that you can't have the place after all. I also didn't want to move out and have to spend all of my time fixing up a place. My more recent option I was looking into was government subsidized housing, which isn't the most savory option either. Most of the GS apartment complexes near my work are in REALLY unsafe areas. Being a small, quiet young woman, I wouldn't have felt safe at all. There was one prospective building in a good area that had openings, but it seemed to lean more towards the sick and elderly. My hope was that they would allow me in because of my depression and dangerous living situation. But then I got the most wonderful news.

Two of my coworkers that I'm close to in age and have a lot in common with are renting a house and they told my boyfriend, who is also a coworker, that he was welcome to move in as well and to let me know. I was so excited when he told me and I immediately said that I would do it. The rent, split among 3-4 people, is very very affordable. Though he immediately said that he wasn't sure he's ready to move out. I was so disappointed and I was afraid to make the move without him. He said we'd go see the house that weekend and he would make his decision then. Well, we went to see the house and it was in gross condition. The previous renters disappeared and abandoned the house in a condition that would have it condemned. My one coworker's mother is the landlord and my coworker and her boyfriend got stuck fixing up the place, cleaning and repairing everything, without getting any compensation from her mother or a cut on our rent. The entire floor of the entire house had been used as a giant litter box, there was homemade duck tape insulation on all the windows, the walls were riddled with holes and the paint and wallpaper was hideous and in poor condition. The floor in the kitchen and the bathroom is badly warped. they have since then replaced the carpet, painted the walls and ceiling, which were tarnished from cigarette smoke, have sanitized the house, and patched the holes. I haven't seen the place since it's been fixed up and I will be moving in in less than a week.

My roommate whose mother is the landlord had told me that there would be 6 or 7 cats and that the other 4 would be adopted out. Well, only one has been adopted it would seem and she plans on keeping the rest. I've never had cats before, though I aways wanted one or two, but that's it. I used to be VERY allergic but I'd grown out of the allergies about 4 or 5 years ago. She's a very responsible pet owner, so I'm not too worried about them making messes all over the house, but I'm still worried about stepping in "presents" here and there and I cannot STAND the smell of cat pee (who can?). It's just atrocious. I also know that some people are okay with their cats walking around on kitchen counters and tables, but I am 100% not okay with that. Cats walk around in the litter box where they poop and ever since I saw a show on animal planet where this guy tested this couple's kitchen counter and found evidence of the bacteria found in cat poop, I am SO disgusted by the thought. So that's something I'll really have to talk to her about. My guess is that they'll probably just be hiding out and lazing around most of the time, or following her throughout the house since she's their caregiver. And even though I love cats and animals in general, I won't allow them in my room. I have to have at least one allergen-free room in the house. Especially since it's summer and we're going to have to have the windows open.

So basically my main concerns are the upkeep of this house that was in really terrible condition, and the pets. I hope our landlord steps up to the place and looks after the condition of the house and I hope all the repairs that they told me are done are actually done. If it's something manageable, I don't mind stepping up to the plate and just fixing something myself, but if it's major, you can bet I'm going to stand up for myself and say something about it. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and she doesn't think that I should be too worried. Her main concern was all the animals. I just need to chill, breathe, and finish packing. Which is quite the monumental task.