I started to hate writing, because it makes me think too much, and that’s my problem.  But as of yesterday, my anxiety got the best of me.  Now i’m stuck to wonder what i’m supposed to do.  Now that my cries of help were ignored and i’ve faced my greatest fear, [and i still worry] what am i to do.?  i just wish that i could be normal.  i just wish that i could be 18 and take myself to the doctor’s if i need it.  i’m sick of being depedent on my mom.  ok, so i love her, but she doesn’t do anything for me when i need it.  i’ve been wearing these same contact lenses since august.  [i ran out of contacts, and my glasses are too strong]  which at one point i had an eye infection in.  she refused to take me to the eye doctor’s then too.  i just don’t get it.  i mean she’s a nurse, she should know what kind of bad things happen.  sometimes she even has to work on a mental floor, like doesn’t she see that could happen to me?  if i keep thinking like this, i’m going to have to go somewhere.  i can’t even have normal thoughts.  and i’m sick of asking her.  i actually heard her talking to my grandma on the phone and she was like "yeah nikki wants to go back to the psychologist"  then my grandma said something then she was likie "well yeah i can actually see her going crazy."  well what the hell is she waiting for?  for me to go crazy.  i’m tried of my cries for help not being answered.  i lost the love of my life because of this.  and if i ever get healed, then i have to start all over with him.  i don’t see how this is fair.  btw, i asked for a psychologist in october, because i knew things were going to go bad, but they did go bad, and i still can’t stop worrying.  i need committed.  look, you don’t have to reply to this or anything.  i just wanted to write it.