today is the first day i have hanged out with matt in well… maybe like 3 years. but havent seen in in about a year and a half. so.. idk. felt pretty detached for most of it. i find that when i cant do my compulsions i get detached feeling. almost like im not there and none of it is reall yhappening. though i know in the back of my head that yea, this IS happening.

so i was goin crazy doin all these compulsions before he came. sometimesi have this thing about the sunlight outside like it triggers some detachment. so i was trying to control that with compulsions i guess. i would be doing like… 10 compulsions every 10 seconds, literally. tho small. like look at part of the wall. touch another part, look at the back of the door, open and close the door, look at the other part of the wall, then if i feel like i dont have to do anymore compulsions im free to walk out the door. so i went out and waited. started feeling out of it so went back inside, kept doing that, sometimes id just open and close the door while outside so it seemed like i was going inside. idk. im weird.

so i was trying to shake of my seemingly perpetual seriousness about life. and everything in general. iv only recently begun to break this habit of feeling serious about everything and not enjoying anything. no my mom told me to just shake around and make a funny noise, so i can lighten up. kind of worked. so id go back to that serious stressed out feeling, then get myself back into the lightened up feeling, kept goin back and forth until i finally felt like i couldnt go back to the lightened up feeling. was kind o f i the middle i guess.

so anyway he ended up coming down the street, i waved, he motioned that he was gonna be right back, he turned around and pullked up. i got my two guitars, started walking up to his car, walked back to look at the steps, walked to his car again. all the time trying to not let him notice im doing these compulsions. i finally couldnt do one, and so that left me feeling detached. while in his car. well, it couldv been worse. we just kinda started tlaking like i said osmething like "its been too long man". just tryin hard to just remain calm and collected, or at least something that resembled that. stopped at wawa where i went in with him. it was a wawa i spent most of my life going to occasiobnally. lot of memories in there. havent been inside it since i moved 2 and a half years ago.

getting out of the car made me feel a bit more grounded. and i think i kept some sort of composure thorughout the rest of the time we were hanging out playing music together. showing eachother what wev learned and what not. i felt pretty out of it for most of it, like it wasnt really happening. after around 3 hours he drove me back home, i brought my dog out to show him for the first time.so the beginning and the end were the best, most grounded feeling for me.

some history about me and matt. we met in first grade. were really good friends. didnt see each other till 8th grade. we almos timmediately regained that lost time together by hangin out at school. i remembered how much of a good friend he was. in 9th grade we started hangin out outside of school. sophomore year was the same. we became close friends. junior year is when he had his surgery and i couldnt look at him the same way since then. thats when the snowball was created, unleashing a chain of events, so first i felt like i lost this friend, matt, then dan, then james, and i felt like my whole world was faqlling apart with my parents always having fueds at home and acting like little kids to each other. these were all really close friends too that i began to feel uncomfortable with for some reason. so i hated junior year. then senior yuear is when i broke and started to feel nothing. very detached from everything including myself. and then i developed ocd. and its been hard to think.

so i moved early in senior year, started to avoid all my friends now that they didnt know where i lived. stayed that way for about a year when i moved to aother location, closer to where my friends lived. got in touch with one, even though i didnt feel right.  got in touch with the other, dan, then pat, then james tho he hasnt sent anything back yet, then matt. and jimmy. i hung out with jimmy for the first time in like 4 years a week ago. felt very detached. and matt fir the first time in a year and a half. so i kinda feel like im getting a little back on track with things