My intestines hurt again. Im used to it but that doesnt mean its OK. Its my 20th anniversary of battling Crohns DIsease.  Some days are pain free, but I'd say physically im generally unwell, with poor nutrient absorbtion due to severely damaged intestines.

Now the double threat comes into play, isolation. I am alone, in pain, and if I am able to eat today it will not be till later tonight.   When I was a boy, my mom would take care of me to a fault (what else could she do with such a sick child?) Im lucky to have grown up with unconditional love from my family.

I currently live 3000 miles away from my family, so when Im sick, Im now on my own, jeeps, I should be, Im gonna be 32 next month!!  I have a handful of friends that I would say love me, and one of them is on her way over soon, so that will be nice.

But I need more than a friend. I want more than a friend and it has been just impossible to find anyone willing to even get to know me, and Im now outwardly pushy with my crushes, but I also dont beat around the bush.  I have no one to love me like a woman can a man, nobody to massage my back knots that develop from som much abdominal muscle contractions, I have nobody to make me tea, nobody to call me and come over for a movie cuddled under a blanket.  This illustrates to me that there is something blatantly wrong with me. Im not a bad looking dude, Im not short, I am a badass……Owwwwwwwwww pain. Breathe, I just had to curl into the fetal position for a few seconds….anyways, as far as I can see it, Im a great catch! Im an art teacher for a non profit youth enrichment program, self taught auto mechanic (worked at a dealer as a Technician a few years), A self taught tattoo artist and a visual artist.  People seem amazed at my work, I make people laugh a lot, even though Im miserable, I try not to let it show.   So why then am I alone?

Why am I getting shut down repeatedly?  I havent been kissed in 6 months excluding a one night stand that was very foolish on my behalf. I let myself have relations with a stranger that I didnt care to know, which only makes my loneliness worse.  I want to share my life with someone. Im not looking for a wife necessarily, or even a serious relationship. i just wanna be with someone like me.  Smeone artistic, empathetic, sensitive, and intelligent, I dont even care if they are funny because I know the right girl will make me smile even at stupid jokes.  It will be someone that likes me so much and i her so much that it just makes sense to be with each other.  Its hard to find, because Im nnot meeting new people. I keep asking the same women out and just cant take a hint. Why are you ladies hinting anyways? Cant they be mature enough to say they arent interested? Must there always be a weak excuse?  At this point i dont know what it takes to meet a woman.  It would be a gas to meet someone that is mentally ill as i am, together we could sell our art for good money since we are mental patients….lol

I notice myself now becoming a 5ht wheel with my 2 best friends, Mason has been messin around as he should because he just was dumped a couple months ago, so I know what its like to just keep scoring with chicks and remain emothinally unavailable.

Ben has started a friendship with Valeri and he is trying to make it evolve into something real, There is something obviously connecting them.  owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww pain.ehhhrrrrrr.

So when I go over to their house Im in 5th wheelsville, super uncool, dude.  What am i supposed to do? go to a bar to meet a woman? I dont even drink! I do drugs!  One thing is for sure, sitting alone in my apartment aint gonna bring anybody to me.  Summers officially here.  I think i might just go to the woods with my dog for a few days and try to catch some fish, much like women i have trouble reeling in fish as well but its a good time passer.  Hopefully this nasty Crohns flare up passes by tomorrow, they can lay me up for a few weeks  at a time.