Not much has changed since my last few blogs. I still haven’t made any new friends yet, I’ve been out a few times but its awkward going to the bar alone—I’m going to keep at it though. I haven’t seen or talked to my ex in over a week which is a good/necessary step… it’s kinda rough giving up the one friend I had but at the same time she was using me so forget her—I’m better off alone. Nothing really has changed but I’ve been feeling better, so what’s the deal?
Exercise.
I never understood when people claimed to feel so much better after regular exercise—I mean, your problems are still there when you get back right? What’s been solved? Isn’t it just a distraction like watching TV, which I can do sitting at home in my A/C? Well, despite my better judgment I decided to bite the bullet and go for a run.
I jogged about a mile that first day, and I can say with great certainty that it was one of the worst days of my entire life haha. There were a million things to complain about, it was too hot, I was out of breath, the sun was too bright blah blah. But I made it home in one sweaty piece. It was kind of nice getting out but I certainly didn’t feel enlightened or anything crazy like that. But I decided to stick with it for awhile to see how it would go.
It was pretty rough for the first two weeks; I was out of shape, I was running way too fast and my diet wasn’t all that great. I kept at it though; I slowed down my pace, and replaced most of the fatty things I ate with healthier alternatives.
I’m on my 4th week and now I actually look forward to my daily run. For an hour a day, I don’t worry about anything I just go and run. It’s liberating really, I used to feel chained down by my depression and now it seems I’ve found the key to the padlock holding me back. It’s like a form of meditation, when I’m running my mind is completely clear—I completely focus on the rhythm of my footsteps and the cycles of my breathing. I go into my own zone and feel a sense of peace. I mean, occasionally I’ll think about the loneliness but it always seems off in the distance, as if it can’t touch me or hurt me like it used to.
By the time I get home and shower, the endorphins are still pumping through my body giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling–sorta like when you just finish having some good sex, and you just lay there and go “ahhhh…” lol. Obviously it’s not quite the same type of satisfaction, but I digress… hahah.
Anyway, I’m hoping that by looking better physically that I’ll feel a bit better mentally. With a little weight training on the side, I’ve noticed more definition all over my body. Lets be honest, it’s nice to look in the mirror and be like “Hey, that’s not too bad.” So I’m pretty anxious to see where I’ll be in another 5-6 weeks.
To keep myself motivated I signed up for a 5k AIDS Run, I’ve never done anything like it before, so I’m pretty excited! Maybe I’ll even be able to talk some coworkers into sponsoring me. At this point though, I’m just going to cross my fingers and hope things will keep going the way they have been—it’s a nice change of pace.
