I managed to get through the whole day without Bring up the subject of mothers day to my mother. Infact I completely ignored the whole thing. I didn’t get to sleep until about 3am, last night therefor waking up around midday. At least that meant that half the day was already overwith.

I had a dream last night that I was in town, and txting mum about something, and I was screaming at her as though I was talking to her. A police officer asked me if something was wrong. I told him "fuck off" and continued to txt and scream. He (the policeman) kept on following me around town. I started screaming at him, telling him to piss off and leave me alone. He wouldn’t leave me alone, he was going to arrest me, so I ran up to the bus mall and said "if you come any closer i’m going to jump infront of one of these busses". He said that It would splatter my brain everywhere. I told him I wouldn’t care. He started coming at me.. So I ran out into traffic, saying a some strange poem, until a bus came, and when it was about to hit me.. I woke up. I woke up with a real start. Like almost jumping out of the bed. I don’t know what to make of that really.

The anger that I have been feeling the last few days is still there. however I am starting to feel a depressive episode coming on and I don’t know if I can stop it. I know its only going to get worse before it gets better. I know that i’ll be alone in the house tomorrow. I’m scared. I’m thinking about the things I could do. I’m hoping that this will pass tonight, but I doubt it. 

I have a meeting with my probation officer on tuesday. I havn’t done anything that he wanted me to do, which included seeing a alcohol councellor. Hes going to be angry. I wish he would just leave me to my own devices. I wish he wouldn’t care. I don’t think he does actually. He just wants less paperwork. He’d probably be happy if he didn’t have to worry about me at all. If I was out of his hair forever.

I’m sure there are alot of people would be relieved if I were gone. I do seem to cause alot of trouble. alot of worry. alot of wasted time.

I would like to find some nice classical music. Like Bach, Bethoven and Chopin. Something beautiful on the piano. I doubt itunes would stock something like this.

 

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