It's been a while since I felt the need to write a blog. But something today bothered me, enough for me to need to express my feelings in one way or another. I don't really feel able to talk to anyone, so blogging will always be my way. I used to be able to talk to someone, but now I feel awkward and, quite frankly, completely unwanted. I don't mean that in a selfish 'nobody wants me' kind of way, but just simply that the person who I once shared a wonderful connection is no longer there. My friendship was replaced by that of others and while we still speak sparingly, and believe me this isn't for lack of trying on my part; I don't think he realises how pushed aside I have become. Or at least, how pushed aside I feel. I make offer after offer to take my time out to visit, and there's always an excuse. Except, others seem perfectly able to, and are welcomed. Yet again I'm pushed to the side line, useful when wanted, but very rarely wanted.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting and probably making little sense. I'm hurt and angry and what's worse is I know I'll never be able to say this out loud. At what part do I stop trying completely and accept that I am clearly paying the price for not being able to commit to anything more in the beginning?
I miss the phone calls, the texts, being the one person he'd think to contact when things were going bad, or when something amazing had happened and I was so incredibly privileged to be the person he'd share that with. Now I read about things on fb and wonder where, in the grand scheme of it all, where I went wrong, what I said or did or…Ok, I'll stop now. I'm slowly destroying myself with over thinking this.
On another note, I need to stop using alcohol to block out how I'm feeling. But that's for another blog entirely.