I decided to rant here then to polish off another beer.
or smoke another cig. My brother is being so loud it's making my bunny and me so uneasy, and I am just stuck in my position. I feel tears rolling down my eyes.
I told my self everytime I feel bad Im not consuming anything, cause to me that's addiction. Plus Beleive it or not, I really have a problem expressing myself. And smoking, drinking, sleeping basically anything just makes it worse. Which is what broke up my bf and I the first time around, killed my first marrige, and will ruin my bf and my relation ship this time around before we have a chance to be happy.
I feel bad, I mean I feel really bad. I walked out on so many relationships including my ex and a step son just because of my bad habbit of being alone with my depression and anger.
7 months before my wedding, and my bf asked me today if Im going to walk out on him too. I already pulled that one on him 7 years ago.
I have this secreat fantasy, of becoming a nun. Like the female St.Francis of Ascii, devoting my self to animals and the lord. That's when I'm most happy, when I'm with the lord and with animals.
But, I made a commitment, and not a day goes by when I don't think about my ex and my step son. Not because I love them, cause honestly I can't stand them, but just because of how I hurt them, how I let them down. I feel like a dead beat dad, I just went to pick up milk and never came back. I grew up with parents like that I always told myself I would never ever do that, especially as a catholic.
I can't talk to my bf about this cause he's very childish, he spent most of his adult life in phsyc wards, and I was his only gf, he sees everything as black and white, and when he reads in my journal that I pray for them or pray for forgivness he gets crazy jelous, and scared and gets it all wrong.
I wish I could cry now. I wish I was the woman My biological mother intended me to be when she placed me in church and I would go back to my family, to my ex and my step kid….honor my vows. But I can't. And maybe that's why since the day I ran god stroke me with all his wrath. Maybe that's why since then I lost my job, and horrible things happened to me.