Seriously. I have this image in my head sometimes. I'd lie in bed and imagine a pencil being jammed directly between my eyes at the top of my nose. For some reason I imagine it would be quite satisfying, regardless of the fact I know that it would not only be excruciating, but would kill me. I know that most people have done this before, but when I was in school I used to draw pictures of my art teacher being hit by a bus becase she annoyed me so much. I know this is all nonsensical, but do you ever wonder what you would be capable of given the right opportunity? The right place, the right time, the right person? Do you ever wonder if you would be capable of being that violent, even if in person as you are and as everyone knows you, you aren't even remotely violent? I am not so much as aggressive, but I get so angry sometimes. I squeeze my fists so hard that I feel the bones in them would shatter and sometimes I need to tear paper to calm down. I feel like kicking things. But i never do, that would just be too much for the world to deal with i think, a loss of control like that, especially without provocation.
I wonder if I would be capable of evil things sometimes. But then I suppose most people are capable, they just choose to remain silent and still. It reminds me of Meursault in L'etranger. He is hung for murder, supposedly, and whilst he did kill that man, he himself doesn't know why. Anyone is capable of anything at any given time. We are not predictable, we are not tangible as we think we are. We are reckless and without reason at times. Don't you think we are all so strange? As human beings that is. We all question what it is to be human, but no one knows. Most peopel reply with some crazy 'love' or alternative statement. But does anything really define us as being human? Other than biologically. I suppose it's like when you say a word too many times and suddenly it sounds nuts.