Definitely sick. With what, I'm not sure ~ but it's been a hell of a 48 hours. I stayed on the couch most of the day and slept about 16 of the last 24 hours. I refused to go work out or leave the house at all yesterday. I cancelled Zach's appointment and rescheduled it for next month. I just couldn't do it physically or mentally. I didn't eat all day, and then when the boys got home from the park I sat down and ate a little meatloaf (fitting considering my song of choice yesterday, lol) and cantaloupe. That was it though, my stomach wasn't going to take anything else. Still haven't eaten today either. Just don't feel like food is a good idea. Let's just say it's not staying put.
I did quite a bit of crying yesterday. My Mom wanted to talk to me about things that had me upset the other night, and we discussed some of it. When we got to the part where I admitted that I felt I wasn't well enough to go back to work full-time but needed too I fell apart. She reassured me that I was "so much better" than I'd been since the day this all started. But again, she doesn't get it ~ she doesn't have it. But her answer to losing the will to keep going is to get mad at all that's happened. Get pissed and show life what you're all about and that it's not going to destroy you.I used to be that way. That's how I succeeded so well in college. Tell me I can't do something ~ watch this! But that fire is long gone now. I think the meds/therapy took it away; my fight.
You know what I wish? I wish that when I took someone's hand or touched them on purpose they experienced what I experience at that moment. Or that I could control a time frame that I experienced and put them in my shoes for it. That would make things so much easier for me, and for every person in the world ~ because no words would be needed. We could understand a person because we could all walk in their steps and live through what they've lived through. We wouldn't have to tell doctors our symptoms, we could have them experience them instead. Imagine what a different world we'd live in if this one simple wish could be granted…
I'm not as depressed as I was yesterday. Still not great, but not ready to give up the ghost. My husband was wonderful with me last night when he got home. Apparently I was running a pretty good fever (I just knew I felt like hell) and he ran around getting me medicine, drinks, warm clothes to sleep in (because I was still freezing) and then rubbing my back and stroking my hair and massaging my temples (because of the headache) until I was ready to fall asleep. I still felt like crying some more but he kept me calm and slept over me to keep me warm for most of the night, even though it was probably uncomfortable for him. It's moments like that that I realize just how truly blessed I am to have him. And Zachary, who came and tucked me into bed since I was sick and kissed me goodnight. 🙂 In that hour, even though my heart was still broken, I felt so much love that I couldn't contain it all. I knew that I was being looked after and looked out for.
As for feeling like a failure, my Mom and I talked about that too yesterday. I admitted that I DID feel that way because of the fact that I'm going to be 33 in a month and I'm living with my mother because of this damned illness and because we can't make it on our own. I never wanted to be a burden on her, and that's what I feel like I am. She reminded me that this is what family is for, to be there for one another in our times of weakness to help each other stand up. Although my Mom and I make each other nuts, we love one another so much.Her words helped. I had always envisioned myself getting a really goodjob out of college, maybeeventually becoming a college professor myself, and being ableto support her as well soshe didn't have to work anymore. The reality is sodifferent from that, and it hurts. It feels like one of my biggest failures. But maybe things willchange, like my friend Nancy suggested. I have to believe that they will getbetter. Because I realize that if I don't,I won't see the opportunity for it when it comes.
Tonight I gosee my therapist, which I'm kind of dreading. I hate going in when I'm not doing well. It's kind of like proving to myself thatI DO need therapy and that I'm messed up. I justwant to be a normal person in the sense that I don't need all the meds, doctors, psychiatrists and therapy. But in reality Ihave to have those things to live a halfway normal life experience. So I'll take my medicine.I'll go to my appointments. I'll see my therapist. I'll do what's necessary to have a chance.
I guess tonight I'm going totalk about my fear about finding another job and working more hours. That really scares me. I think I might be able to do it but it terrifies me anyhow. I don't want another failure added to mylist.
On another subject, it looks like we're not going to go to see my aunt and uncle in the mountains. Instead Mom and I and maybe Aaron (ifhe takes the day off of work) are going to take Zachary to LEGOLAND. He's really been wanting to go badly but wehaven't had any money to do it with,but Grandma is going to pay for it. She wants him to have good memories of her when he was little. It makes me sad because she's thinking about how her life is coming to aclose in the possibly near future (although I definitely hope not, she's only 55) and I can't make her stop thinking like that. But, anyhow, we'll be taking a day or two and headover there to have some fun with Zachary.
I guessI'll end it here. Thank you so much to all of you who responded to my blogyesterday. It meant so much. Love and gratitude to you all.