It's been a hellatious week or so. It started with bad news on Thursday about a friend, and it just seems that more and more has piled on top of it. I have cried every day since then, and often. Anything sets me off for no apparent reason. It's as if once the dam broke that day nothing is blocking the flow anymore. It just keeps coming and coming and I have no control over it.
Friday my husband and I had a 2 big fights and I almost asked him to leave. He broke my heart with his angry and careless words and behavior. I cried myself to sleep that afternoon and woke up angrier than hell. I ended up tearing into him (hence fight number 2) about everything that had happened that day.
Saturday was better. We had apologized to each other and things had settled down. We dropped off Zach at Mindy's house for a sleepover with Josh again.I got a really unexpected text from a friend I used to work with, and by accident found out someone I cared for deeply was moving to the other side of the state today. He hadn't even called me or told me about it. The tears started again. I finally decided to call him because I wanted the chance to say goodbye, but he never answered the phone.I tried to chalk it up to him maybebeing busy withlast minute packing or something.
Today I woke up in tears alreadysliding down my cheeks. The tears kept coming unbidden. Luckily for me Aaron and I did different things most of the day. So he didn't have to watch my misery. I swallowed my pride this morning and tried to contact my friend again. After 3 rings it went to voicemail. I hung my head and started to weep silently. He didn't care for me the way I did him, and he didn't want to talk to me. Maybe we weren't friends after all.
I decided to follow the advice I had posted on my Facebook page today about "Sometimes you have to burn some bridges in order to light your way forward". We all lose people in our lives ~ they come, they go, they move forward or distance themselves or become somebody else. It was time for me to let go of him.
The phone rang and I thought it would be Mindy trying to coordinate with me about picking up Zachary from her house, but when I saw the name hope welled up in me. It was him and he had called me back. So he did care after all.
We talked for awhile, joking and laughing and talking about his plans once he got to where he was going. At some point in the next few months I plan to go see him at his new shop, it's about a 3 and a 1/2 hour drive, but we have family over there anyhow. I was able to discover that our friendship wouldn't end with his moving, rather it would just mean visiting with each other would be difficult and sporadic. But he's only a phone call away and promised that he would give me a ring when he was back in town to visit. I told him how much I'd miss him and that I wished him luck on his endeavor, and then we said goodbye and hung up. I cried again, but this time it was mixed with relief as well as sorrow.
Now I'm sitting here feeling drained from all the emotional strife that's been happening. I'm so tired out. I feel like I'm worn as thin as old, tired lace. Brittle, fragile, discolored. I don't feel strong enough to handle anything else. I'll just crumble into dust. I need to get an appointment with my therapist this week if possible. I see my psychiatrist on Friday. I don't think this is depression caused by physiological means, this is depression from circumstances triggering and prolonging it. My therapist will do me a lot more good than any med change could.
Things will even out, I just don't know how much longer it will be. Please keep me in your thoughts, I need it right now.