It seems like there are so many things for me to think about and so little time to do it in I guess that is why I stay up most nights. I hate it that after all this time I am starting to remember things about my childhood that I did not remember for years. The sad thing is there is no way that I can find out if what I am remembering is true as my mother died a year ago Christmas Day.

I could not believe how my kids and step father wanted her to stay alive until after Christmas. So much to the point that they had them revive her every time she tried to go. My oldest daughter called me and let me know that my mother was dying or I would not have known. I told her that I would be there and asked if she could stay until I got there. She said that she would. My other three children did not want me to even know that my mother was dying.

I got there and found out that her body was shutting down. They had her in a induced coma so that she would not feel so much pain but she still did. You could see her body shake with pain. I stayed with her until she passed away. The doctor came in and tried to bring her back softly. I know that she knew I was there as she would squeeze my hand every now and then and the nurse said that when I would let go of her hand she would move her hand as if she was looking for me.

I could not believe how sullen she was and how her body fluids were seeping out her skin and my children continued to say that they loved her yet they could not even stay for her. At least I know that if I would not have been able to get there my oldest daughter would have stayed with her. But my question is where was my step father? Why wasn't he there seeings as how he was the one that told the doctor to bring her back no matter what.

It has been over a year and I can't let go. I can't forget what my three children did to my mother. I can't forgive them. I have tried but I can't. They were going to let her die alone and yet they continue to say that they love her. You don't treat someone you love the way they treated her. I wasn't around her because I was told not to come around. My step father told me that I was not welcome and that my mother did not want me around her at all. I believed him until my daughter called and told me that I should come and see her. There are so many things that I wish I could have changed but can't. Well that is what I thought about all last night and that is the reason I couldn't sleep now I have to figure out a way to not think about it so that I can sleep for a little bit.