This is my first time blogging anything, let alone anxiety issues. A little about myself – I am soon to be 24, in my third year of a clinical doctorate program in Manhattan, living on an extremely tight budget in a cramped apartment with my boyfriend and two unruly dogs, and I just started seeing a therapist for the second time after a year break…lets see how this goes!
My anxiety has always been there…8 years old I had to leave my mother's surprise party because it was too overwhelming, didn't speak to my uncles until I was 12 years old, constanly worried I had cancer, and every siren I thought one of my parents had just died. In highschool I hated the school day (it was intense) but made up for it with partying on the weekends (alcohol = anxiety free). In college I lived with my ex-boyfriend and basically confined myself to my apartment, lost touch with friends, and tried to be as invisible as possible. I became claustrophobic (spelling?), layed awake at night terrorized by the idea of death, and driving became another thing on my unsafe things to do list….although I still could bring myself to do this with great distress. Now in graduate school (I feel like a lifer) I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders…although I am doing very well in school I feel like a failure, I am unsure of what I am doing and where I want to be. Brooklyn is overwhelming and the city sucks…I hate being surrounded with people all of the time and the constant blaring of truck horns outside my window is driving me nuts. I am coming apart at the seams and trying to control it in everyway possible…right now I do this with food and exercise…and my budget certainly does not allow for my ever fluctuating weight…where I was very thin a year ago, now I am average and this is making feel horrible!
If anyone is still reading I tend to carry on and go off on tangents. The thing is my anxiety is ruling me and it is sad when I feel carefree and actually catch myself laughing and note it as a strange sensation. I have let this "anxiety" become me and I am lost in there somewhere and don't know how to get out. All I think about is getting away from the city and moving somewhere peaceful, but I know that will only subdue these feelings. I am so lonely, bored, and unhappy…oh and do I have to add anxious!
I have been going through different sites and found this one. Everything seems like BS – suggestions for breathing exercises, therapy, medication make me annoyed. I have tried everything but medication to no avail. Is there anything that can be done for anxiety – is there really any way out?