Do you ever sit alone at night after everything settles down in the house and just listen to your music and imagine your life completely different and how you wish it would be? That's where I'm at tonight.

Although I've been in relationships off and on all my life and I have my children, I've never been married and I'm almost 35 years old now. I can say that although I'm not completely unhappy with my life as I know it, there are days when I dream of what it would be like and how happy I could have been if my life took on a different direction.

Sometimes, I can imagine my life in black and white frames, up north in the fall walking hand in hand with the man that I'm so very much in love with. The leaves falling gently all around us as he picks me up and twirls me around and kisses me gently while tracks of a Gary Jules song plays in the background. How beautiful and peaceful my life would be in my dreams. How happy I would be if I had the husband, my children, the home…the life of my dreams.

I remember as a child, in order to escape from my childhood and surroundings, I used to try and get lost in the nearby woods, hoping that the mystic creatures of the forest would find me and make me a home with them where everything was beautiful and peaceful. I believed that when I walked further and deeper into the woods and the more alone I became, the greater chance I had to find a fairy, a pixie…something that I believed would take me away from where I actually was. Oh how I could dance along the sides of that old creek by myself for hours imagining that I was talking to the creatures of the forest and how happy it made me. Funny, as an adult in my mid 30's, I still find happiness in those thoughts and memories of those times and creatures.

It's no wonder my life seems to let me down sometimes…with dreams as great as those, I'll never meet my own expectations of what I feel my life should be.

  1. bestBets 14 years ago

    WOW Beka, you sound like me!!!!

    I use to love the old ponds back east and the mysical stuff that happened in the woods. Then to come back west and play on the creek with my make believe friends. I would make boats coz i was sailing to africa! I thought my husband would be found there. HMMMMM i think i got that from falling in love with african men in national geographic when i was little. Maybe he is there. IDK

    But i had that short marriage BAD! And four great kids. And left 8 years ago and unlike you i have been alone. i have friends that i date or hang out with but also unlike you it is so far gone i cant even imagine reality being like my dreams coz i dont have dreams of happily ever after anymore.

    Girl you will find it! If not come to cali and and we can be old maids together.


    HAHA I luv who you are! Bets

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  2. Jack21 14 years ago

    I really believe that there is nothing at all wrong with fantasy and fantasizing – to an extent. I completely live in my past or in a fantasy of what life would have been like if certain things had not happened and I had not gone nuts as a result and my fiancee had not left me. The terrible part ,as you say, is returning to reality. I think that we must have dreams but that we have to balance them with the here and now. Not that I do a fantastic job of it. I'm in lala land half my life. We cope as we can I guess. Anyway. Just thought I'd share that.

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  3. Jack21 14 years ago

    btw I am mesmerized by Gary Jules version of Mad World. Sometimes I just listen to it over and over and over.

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