Somehow I always get use to being alone, not in the sense that I am not partnered with someone. Just that I have done so many things on my own. I use to depend on myself a lot. I never really had to depend on anyone before. My mind over and over again goes back to Max. I try not to think about it but sometimes there are so many things I want him to know about but he wont be has happy as I am about it. I hope he is comfortable.. Im sure by now he has learned something new some where along the way. It was one of the many things I liked about him. In his own way he was a take charge kind of guy, or he was the carefully planning the next step kind of guy. I miss that.

I have been dating and I have been abusing the fact that I am single to get pleasure from my my pain. At times I hate myself but that doesn’t last long. How annoying it is to hate yourself and try to live for yourself. Even now when I am typing this I think about nothing but when is the next time I am going to feel safe, loved and secure.

Safe enough to speak my mind freely. Safe enough to depend on someone to be there for me. Safe enough to  not go silent when I feel strongly about something.

Loved unconditionally. Love no matter what kind of back ground I have. Loved when I am emotional. Loved when I am uncertain of my own value. Loved when task seem too hard but can be done. Loved when I am unfair, unpredictable.

Secure with the person I am with. Secure enough not to worry about them cheating or looking else where. Secure enough to trust money and valuable things with this one person. Secure enough to know If I let it go it will always find its way back to me or me back to them.

 

For now my heart is like a book with a new blank page. The writer at the keyboard, typing out the next move, the next thought, and the next event.

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