oh hey wow, now they list 'top bloggers'.  maybe four months ago i'd have had more of a shot at making the list haha. [br][br]so, i vanished.  this is what i'm like.  it was like 'yay! something new!' when i first found this place, and then a few months went by and i'd caught up on everything and met the main people who log in the most, and soon i ran out of new things to look at, new people to talk to, and i moved on to some other obsession.  but then today i have some time at work and i thought to check in and i've left it enough weeks that suddenly there's so much to catch up on, it's fun again – but i mean…yeah, this is what i'm like.  i constantly need brand new fresh stimulation, and go in cycles, ALL my thought/time spent on ONE thing, for a while…then i hit instant burn out, totally drop that thing overnight, and move onto the next obsession – then eventually it cycles back around.  i mean, i return to things.  but yeah.  i don't know.  and i also just didn't feel like i had anything to say for a long while. [br][br]i guess i still don't have much to say…hahaha but i'm writing an awful lot about nothing, in that case. [br][br]so let's see, what have i been doing – taking action!  no, really, i've made myself a sticker chart system, to force me to do my writing, my exercise and my russian a couple times each per week, and then i get a treat at the end of each completed week, and that way i also force myself not to spend as much money on impulsive/compulsive shopping.  this is week 3 right now.  i'm a bit flexible with the system, i mean like last night i missed the russian, but i'm going to make it up before the week is up, that's how it works.  it's not that i HAVE to do the russian from 8-9pm on monday in order to get the treat; i just have to have put in that hour at some point in the week, and 8-9pm monday is a good suggested time slot for it, to keep me organised.  when things are written down (and taped to a door i look at all the time), it's so much easier to commit to things, cause i just can't commit when it's just juggling around in my head.  [br][br]so at the end of last week my treat was this dvd of a '90s british show called 'takin' over the asylum' about some patients into a mental asylum trying to start a radio station…starring the lovely david tennant as a manic-depressive.  i got an email from amazon yesterday saying it's been shipped and i could have fainted haha, i'm so excited.  i think for this week i'm going to get this movie with him as a sociopathic stalker ex-boyfriend haha, it's got some great reviews and apparently he's fantastic in it, but that doesn't surprise me because he's such a good actor.  i mean…'good' ??  that's such an understatement! [br][br]last night, i skipped the russian though for such a good reason: i was busy writing songs with george!!  this is something i've been dying to do for years, and yesterday was such an awful empty day but then i was on the bus home from the train station and i was listening to the beatles' 'for the benefit of mr kite' and it got me thinking up the tracklist for a compilation i'm going to make of all excellent pop/rock/dance/industrial circus music (you wouldn't believe how much of this stuff i actually have – i mean, sometimes even i'm surprised at how much i really ADORE carnival music, the creepy tunes, the organs, the 3/4 rhythm, it's fantastic) – and then i was like omg, i so want to do a gothic circus album.  [br][br]so i came home and quickly made up all the song titles, and the whole concept for the album, and i mean it's all fake-pretentious (like…pretending to be pretentious haha), and i spun out the lyrics to four songs in about ten mins, and i even have the cover photo planned out, omg it's going to be excellent, i'm aiming for punk/sexy mime, myself haha, and george as a stylish clown – and anyway, george was totally on board and got out the guitar and wrote the music for two of the songs, so we're going to record it some time soon, and then get out the keyboards and add in organs and heavy beats and i'm gonna sing it and work out the harmonies, and we'll sort out effects and things, i mean it's so going to be made, i'm really excited about it.  my favourite thing about it is that it's absolutely hilarious so far, yet strangely pretty.  and also, it'll be an exercise, certainly, in forcing me to get over my fear of singing in front of people (even george). [br][br]what else, what else…still looking for another job, still with no luck, still frustrated, still depressed about money, still avoiding planning the wedding haha, although now i've got all the accessories for the dress, and they, with the dress, are at home hidden away in a closet and it's very, very exciting – it's starting to feel real now!

2 Comments
  1. bluebuddha 13 years ago

    -Hi…I get it…that is wierd and creepy and will be very interesting. There is a "haunting" sound about circus music…and clowns…well need I say more….it sounds like a really cool concept!

    Blue

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  2. mattbenjamin50 13 years ago

    I tend to come in go in waves too.  However, in my case, it isn't because I ran out of things to talk about. It happens because I have worked my way into a situation where I have to many things going on. Also, the weird allure of the online computer game seems to take hold of me. I have been working on my next book this summer, but I am stuck on how I want the book to be organised. Until I can figure this out, I won't be able to write.

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